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19 October 2022

This England: Have you for breakfast

This column – which, though named after a line in Shakespeare’s “Richard II”, refers to the whole of Britain – has run in the NS since 1934.

By New Statesman

A Yorkshire man has been tormented by a stranger screaming through his front door in the middle of the night.

The man took to social media with an appeal: “I am at my wits’ end. For the last three weeks someone is opening my letterbox flap in the middle of the night and shouting ‘porridge’. Sometimes it’s, ‘Porridge time, Papa Bear.’”

Most commentators saw the funny side. “It could be a cereal killer…” cracked Ricardo Hodge, while Joe Mcgrath said: “Personally, I’d get my locks changed. I’d recommend Goldilocks.”
Yorkshire Live (Steve Morley)

[See also: This England: Better late than never]

Bish bash bosh

A 90-year-old chased a man who burgled his Hull home, then hit the intruder and got his wallet back.

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“I used to be a boxing champion in the Navy reserve, so I know how to punch,” said the pensioner, who asked to remain anonymous. The thief was jailed for three and a half years.
Metro (Michael Meadowcroft)

[See also: This England: Story of my life]

Driven to drink

A car park with its own cocktail bar has been made Car Park of the Year. The accolade was given to Birmingham’s Custard Factory by the Car Park Appreciation Society.

The society’s president Kevin Beresford said: “You can look upon your parked vehicle with a cocktail in your hand.”
Metro (Jenny Woodhouse)

Named as a suspect

A man called Khia has been banned from touching any car without permission. Appearing before magistrates, Khia Roberts of Crosby, Merseyside, was also given an 18-week sentence for a number of offences.
Liverpool Echo (Mark Dunford)

Each printed entry receives a £5 book token. Entries to or on a postcard to This England.

[See also: This England: Pie in the sky]

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This article appears in the 19 Oct 2022 issue of the New Statesman, State of Emergency