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5 October 2022

This England: No rest for the living

This column – which, though named after a line in Shakespeare’s “Richard II”, refers to the whole of Britain – has run in the NS since 1934.

By New Statesman

A Scottish wife has advertised a coffin online that she is giving away because “her husband has lived longer than she had hoped”. Margaret Stables posted an advert for the brand new coffin, which she originally purchased for her partner, on Facebook Marketplace.

The woman, from Easdale near Oban, has left social media users laughing. The picture placed alongside the advert showed the sparkling new, silver coffin with a white pillow inside.
The Daily Record
(Mark Ireson)

[See also: This England: Story of my life]

Ninja squirrel

A red squirrel is at the centre of a rescue operation after it was found trapped in a Perthshire bakery. Greggs in Pitlochry is closed while efforts are made to remove the protected animal, which was discovered in the roof.

An eyewitness who photographed the squirrel in the bakery said: “It was actually a really lovely experience watching it run around – very ninja-like.”
BBC Scotland
(Kate McIntosh)

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[See also: This England: Better late than never]

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A lesson in balance

Courses teaching people how to stand up without falling over have been blasted as a waste of taxpayers’ money. The lectures, run by North and West Northamptonshire Council, will help students “develop balance confidence”, an online advert claims.

Resident Anne Webdale, 34, said she presumed the courses were aimed at elderly people who have suffered falls – but they are open to anyone over 19 and on benefits. “Next they’ll run a course on how to breathe without suffocating,” said the mum-of-two.
Metro
(Daragh Brady)

Each printed entry receives a £5 book token. Entries to comp@newstatesman.co.uk or on a postcard to This England.

[See also: This England: You’re stuffed]

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This article appears in the 05 Oct 2022 issue of the New Statesman, Crashed!