Set by Leonora Casement
You were asked for updated nursery rhymes.
This week’s winners
Good. You enjoyed this one, although the postbag shrank a little after the Christmas monster. Presumably you’re all more than a little worse for wear after the holiday celebrations! Having spent New Year in Germany, this NS judge was pleased to come back to a country where you can order free tap water in restaurants. It is impossible there and waiters look at you as if you are mad. The reason, besides cultural traditions, according to one website, is that the German for tap water is “Leitungswasser”, which means “plumbing water” and sounds too horrible to drink, even though tap water there is perfectly safe. The winners get a tenner each, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to Gerard Benson.
Poor Mrs Proctor
Poor Mrs Proctor
Tried to see the doctor.
She’d got a nasty thing
Growing on her skin.
She needed special ointment,
Tried for an appointment;
“We’ve just got one in May,”
The receptionist did say.
She lived through the spring
With the nasty on her skin.
But before it got much hotter
The carcinoma got her.
Poor Mrs Proctor
Never saw her doctor.
Gerard Benson
Monday’s child
Monday’s child hangs cats for kicks,
Tuesday’s child is turning tricks,
Wednesday’s child is posing nude,
Thursday’s child is bum-tattooed,
Friday’s child is horribly obese,
Saturday’s child is sought by the police,
And the child who was born on the Sabbath day
Is a lovely boy; we think he’s gay.
Brian Allgar
Two little dicky birds
Two little dicky birds getting on my wick;
One named David, one named Nick.
Fly away, David! Fly away, Nick!
Don’t come back, you make me sick.
G M Davis
Hey diddle diddle
Hey diddle diddle,
They’re all on the fiddle,
From bankers to cheating MPs.
From tax-free hoards to expenses for Lords,
It’s a cesspit of wangle and sleaze.
Peter Regan
Mary, Mary
Mary, Mary, entrepreneury,
How does your business grow?
With loans on spec and cutting-edge tech,
And maximum profits on show.
Alanna Blake
Mary, Mary
Mary, Mary, better be wary.
What might the government know?
At GCHQ, they can listen to you,
And can watch everywhere you may go!
Gordon Watson
Georgie Osborne
Georgie Osborne, cunning and sly,
Taxed the poor and made them cry.
But when the voters say, “No way,”
Georgie Osborne will have to pay.
Albert Black
Little Jack Horner
Little Jack Horner stood at the corner
Thumbing his wad of cash;
There came a drug dealer
Who put out a feeler
And now Jack is sky-high on hash.
Mary had a robot lamb
Mary had a robot lamb
As clever as a prof.
It went with Mary everywhere,
Made everybody laugh.
She selfied it on Twitter,
Received ten million hits,
Now Mary loves her robot lamb
To mega, megabits.
M E Ault (x2)
Christmas has come
Christmas has come and gone, the euro’s getting thin,
Please put a trillion in the old Brussels tin.
If you haven’t got a trillion, put a billion, if you must;
If you haven’t got a billion, then your country’s bust!
Nicholas Holbrook
The next challenge
No 4309 By Adrian Fry
Inspired by Alan Flint’s letter to the NS in November 2013, in which he suggests that Edward Lee-Six drew the wrong conclusions about George Orwell (from only four phrases selected from a six-volume oeuvre), we want you to select one line from prose or poetry and draw from it completely the wrong conclusions about the writer. Betjeman’s Nazism extrapolated from “Come, friendly bombs, and fall on Slough!” might be a prime example to inspire you.
Max 150 words by 30 January
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