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15 January 2019

President Trump’s Shutdown Wellness Diary

Thanks to hamberders and diet coke, the president’s cardiovascular status is excellent.

By Media Mole

5am: Wake up. Fist-bump Melania.

5.01am: Take time to reconnect with my Fox & Friends.

5.10am: Now this might not mean anything to you: Diet Coke. Let me tell you, Diet Coke is a very, VERY healthy drink. Much healthier than covfefe. Very healthy. It has zero calories and zero caffeine, which means that no one knows what’s in it. No one!

6am: Watch FAKE NEWS. Very angry now. Time to Tweet. Tweeting is very, very good exercise for my (very big) hands and (very stable genius) brain. Thanks to Twitter my physical strength and stamina are extraordinary.

9am: Diet Coke. Still Watching TV. Diet Coke is one reason why I am the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.

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10am: Diete Coke.

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10.30am: Diyet Coke.

11am: Put out a platter of skittles, butterfingers and M&M’s in case Nancy and Cryin’ Chuck want to come give me my wall. Feel lonely so eat them all.

12pm: DiEt Coke. Melania tells me to get dressed because I have to catch Air Force One to New Orleans.

12.30pm: On Air Force One with Vienna Fingers, Potato Chips, Pretzels, and many, many packages of Oreos. Believe me, Oreos are very, very healthy because they have no germs.

12.45pm: Steak with very, very good tomato ketchup. My cardiovascular health is feeling excellent.

1pm: Speech at the American Farm Bureau’s Federation. Trust me, farmers love me. Even though personally, I don’t like to eat farm food like vegetables because it’s full of germs.

1.30pm: Diat Coke.

2pm: Diet Cokee.

3pm: Deet Coke.

4pm: Diet Cowk.

5pm: Diet Cook.

6pm: Clemson Tigers coming for dinner. I’m very generous and very, very rich, so I pay for it myself. Bought over 300 hamberders.

We have some very large people eating (not me), so it’ll be fun. Wendy’s, McDonald’s, Burger King, pizza. Great American food.

My diet is a bit like a Paleo diet. I call it the MAGA diet. No foreign food, just great American food.

So happy I throw out my jazz hands.

The footballers eat one or two hamberders, and then within one hour it is all gone.

7pm: Twitter and Diet CoKE

8pm: Dieet Coke.

9pm: Diyat Coke.

10:00pm: Been working so hard all day, unlike Nancy and Cryin’ Chuck. Time for the Dems to end the shutdown and build my wall!

(Or steel fence.)