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18 September 2018updated 01 Jul 2021 5:31am

Toad killed by a Storm, RIP 1985-2018

One of Nintendo’s beloved characters has been compared to an old man’s penis.

By Emad Ahmed

Like most people, I wake up each morning unconsciously reaching out to turn my alarm off. And before I head for my daily shower or morning ablutions, there are precious minutes to waste, either by admiring the adventures of friends on Instagram or checking if the world is still spinning through Twitter. What a big fucking mistake that was today.

Stormy Daniels, the pornographic actress alleged (yep, still in that grey area folks) to have been paid by Donald Trump for a sexual encounter, provided a copy of her memoir to the Guardian. In the book, she describes the president’s genitals in graphic, TMI detail saying, “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool… I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart…” Excuse me for a moment while I eject some syrupy vomit containing my McDonald’s chocolate milkshake from last night.

Okay. I’m back. Before we even get to all the things wrong here, you should all know she’s referring to Toad, a beloved secondary character in the Super Mario universe. And what you should also know is just how controlled and charming Nintendo’s PR is. The company rarely leaks any of its projects and one of their leading public faces, Reggie Fils-Aimé, has stated multiple times that its target demographic is aged 9-99. I’m pretty sure today’s comparison is not worth sharing with anyone inside or outside those parameters.

Toad is as asexual as everyone else in the Mario world, a loyal servant to Princess Peach whose celibacy is symbolised with, yes, a mushroom-style cap. Readers, not to prolong our mutual regurgitation – and definitely not to defend President Trump – but the only issue I have with today’s revelatory comparison by Daniels (real name Stephanie Clifford) is the intolerance towards unusual or non-standard genitals, something I just typed with my legs crossed at my desk. Yet it’s amazing how little body-shaming Trump has been the target of, given his own history of disgusting remarks over the decades. Then again, this is a man (citation needed), who thinks the human body has a finite amount of energy and is anti-exercise

I think this whole saga is all quite fitting given how cartoonish our politics has become. In fact, Trump has remarked about his genitals before, defending attacks from Florida’s senator Marco Rubio at a pointless debate all the way back in 2016. Rubio implied Trump’s small hands (citation not needed – they are verifiably tiny) meant his penis must also be small. After some research, I gather Rubio is still a senator who always agrees with Trump, but hides any minor disagreement through Bible tweets as a form of – what the kids call – “shade”.

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I seriously hope Nintendo avoid posting some sort of snarky tweet or showing renewed affection for Toad. He shouldn’t be (pardon the unavoidable pun) thrust further into the spotlight, as Nintendo and its characters will always be seen as family-friendly. Besides, the story will slip away in our accelerated news cycle by tonight, unless Omarosa or Bob Woodward provide secondary sources clarifying Daniels’ claims, which, and I hope I’m speaking for all of us, WE DO NOT NEED.

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Instead, Trump’s communications team and poor excuse of a cabinet will trot out and avoid answering questions about Daniels, until everything climaxes with the helping hands of Robert Mueller. Whether that will end or extend the country’s political crisis remains to be seen. For now, we’re all still covered in our own sweet, sweet vomit.