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30 August 2018updated 07 Sep 2021 10:29am

The Secret Civil Servant: six no-deal Brexit investment tips

As any financial adviser worth his Bentley will tell you, uncertainty is an opportunity to make money.

By The Secret Civil Servant civil-servant

In light of the recent publication of Technical Notices, designed to provide clarity on what to do in the event of a no deal, it is my duty as an upstanding Public Servant to offer you some investment guidance should the United Kingdom reach March 2019 without a significant agreement with the European Union.

As any financial adviser worth his Bentley will tell you, uncertainty is an opportunity to make money. Now is the time to consider what services and goods will be in demand in a new Britain in the medium to long term.

Mud

Britain retains one of the most dynamic and competitive mud-producing industries in the world. As we crash back into WTO terms and the associated tariffs begin to bite, certain materials and food stuffs will become scarce. As a result, mud will become an increasingly important commodity. Its uses are almost unlimited and it can, when prepared correctly, be quite nutritious.

Wheelbarrows

Wheelbarrows are still made in significant numbers in the United Kingdom and offer a number of low-cost transport and dwelling options. Furthermore, as the pound continues to “temporarily” lose value, they will likely be required to carry a sufficient volume of cash to undertake daily transactions.

Melee weapons

Having freed ourselves from the shackles of regressive EU regulation, the United Kingdom can finally assert itself as a dynamic economy striving forward with red-blooded entrepreneurialism at its heart. Nevertheless, in this less regulated environment there is a risk that certain (most likely foreign) sections of society will turn to illegitimate sources of employment. In this climate, cudgels, bats and sticks with nails in are likely to retain value and offer premium rates of return for the buy to hit investor.

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British flags

As we continue to move towards Britain of the 1950s, demand for miniature Union Jacks is only going to increase. Go long on flags. Be careful when hanging them however, make sure you get them the right way round lest you be declared an enemy of the people.

Viking Helmets

These are a more long-term investment. Having successfully identified southern and eastern European migrants as posing the biggest threat to the fibre of the UK, Vikings are surely next to pose a foreign risk to the UK. Their inventive helmets gave them a key strategic advantage last time around. Let’s not get caught out again.

Other types of mud

See above. A shrewd investor will always maintain a diverse portfolio.

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The author is a civil servant in the British government, writing anonymously because David Lidington probably won’t find any of this funny. While based on real events, parts of the above are (obviously) embellished for comic effect.