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17 March 2016

What would Emily Davison think of Cheltenham races? Would Marie Antoinette be shocked by Drake?

And other burning questions from the mind of Richard Littlejohn.

By Media Mole

Hold your horses everyone: Richard Littlejohn has discovered the latest threat to modern morality at Cheltenham racecourse. Play a guessing game with your dear old mole, why don’t you? Was Littlejohn bowled over by our disgusting tradition of shooting injured horses bred for entertainment? Wrong. Encouraging vulnerable people to gamble irresponsibly? Wrong again.

No, women getting drunk and doing cheeky poses for the camera are the greatest symptom of our crumbling society. Littlejohn was so shocked (shocked!) by this slatternly behaviour that he was simply compelled to spend his Sunday poring over every peek of pierced tongue, every flash of nipple, in order to truly condemn such debauchery.


Of course, famed feminist scholar Littlejohn immediately asked the question on everyone’s lips: did Emily Davison perish for this?!

Looking at the photos of those two hideous, drunken slatterns at Cheltenham, flashing their nipples and poking their pierced tongues at passing punters, one could be excused for thinking: Is this what Emily Davison threw herself under a horse for?

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The Suffragettes could never have imagined that their noble struggle for equality would eventually lead to young women assuming the freedom to behave in public like gin-sodden strumpets from a Hogarth etching.

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If Hogarth was around today, he’d feel quite at home. It’s enough to make you want to throw yourself under a horse.

If you, like your confused mole here, are failing to understand why the Suffragettes (or, indeed, eighteenth-century painter William Hogarth) should be presumed to have an opinion on this at all, fear not! Here are some more shocking images that will leave you quivering with the desire to know: what would arbitrary figures from the past have to say about that?!

1. What would Lady Godiva think of this shameless horse?

2. What would the Pied Piper have to say about this hideous performance?

3. Would Marie Antoinette really let her citizens eat these vulgar cakes?

4. Rin Tin Tin would be ashamed of this frivolous dog

5. Ronan Keating would be shocked to his very core if he knew his lyrics would one day lead to such miserable antics