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24 May 2012updated 07 Sep 2021 12:21pm

PMQs sketch: insults in the House of Commons

Dave not so chillaxed after facing questions on wine and socialism

By Peter McHugh

Ed Balls may or may not be useful to the Labour Party as Shadow Chancellor but as insulter-in-chief to the Prime Minister he has no match.

Having already been awarded the title of “most annoying man in modern politics” by Dave at a previous encounter you might have thought that the old Brown bruiser would have been content to rest on his laurels.

But the smell of blood-to-be during the latest round of what purported to be Prime Ministers Questions proved once again too tempting for someone who has got  far enough up the PM’s nose to operate on his adenoids.

And Ed B was back excavating at his best today when he managed to produce another quality aside from the PM..

Having worked on him for 25 minutes with a variety of selected insults from his notes on bear baiting Ed finally hit the Dave release button  with an apparent aside about how many glasses of wine the Prime Minister may have had.

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Let us point out immediately this was not to suggest Dave had quaffed a couple on his way to the Commons to calm his nerves but rather a reference to weekend reports that our “chillaxing” PM is reported to knock back a half a bottle of what passes for Vino Collapso in his circles with his Sunday roast.

These reports caused further consternation among the we-are-not-too-sure-about-Dave faction which is being sponsored by the Daily Mail and Daily Telegraph. The PM was unhappy to say the least with Ed B’s contribution from what is known in the House of Commons as a “sedentary position” and in the real world as sitting down.

Thus Dave rebuked “this muttering idiot sitting opposite me” to the delight of all sides who had become a bit bored with proceedings anyway as sunshine and quaffing elsewhere beckoned.

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Now among the many arcane rules of the Commons chamber is the one that says you can say what you like as long as the Speaker doesn’t hear it – which is just as well for John Bercow bearing in mind what many MP’s say about him.

As both sides swapped whatever insults came to hand and Tories demanded more retribution from their leader Speaker Bercow kept shouting order which seemed rather apposite following the original Ed B insult.

Dave agreed to withdraw the word “idiot” but with all the reluctance of someone who realised he could have withdrawn something considerably ruder had he not been poked so sharply.

Sadly for some the insult that was not withdrawn during PMQs was the shocking suggestion made by a multi-million pound pal of the Prime Minister that the Business Secretary Vince Cable was “a socialist”.

The afore-mentioned multi, who made his money forecasting other people’s disasters, had shot to sudden fame with a report on cutting red tape for business to encourage employment.

One of the more novel ways would be to scrap employment protection which he admitted could let bosses sack workers just because they didn’t like them.

Vince described his plan as “bonkers”, a word clearly only ever used by Karl Marx ,and he was immediately denounced.

Proud of demonstrating their Lib-Dem credentials in the Coalition Government, Vince and his leader Nick Clegg were missing from the Chamber to the relief of Dave and the sadness of the Labour leader Ed Miliband who could only warm up the PM for the eventual Flashman moment won by his alter-Ed.

Throughout all the jolly proceedings seasoned watchers will have noted the thousand-yard stare of Chancellor George who only absent-mindedly rubbed the bruised parts of his now decidedly un-chillaxed best buddy Dave.

The PM trotted out the European Court of Human Rights, far more threatening than Karl Marx, to try to get back onside with his critics but you could see his relief when the Speaker thought the nation had had enough and called time.

Meanwhile Frank Field said the Food Bank believed they would be feeding 500,000 people by the next election.