So here it is, then, the legacy of the Coalition taking shape. 80mph motorways, weekly bin collections, 5p plastic bags and making it easier to sack people.
Here is a Government acting like a giant mimsying parish council tinkering at the edges while everything else falls apart. Forget the double dip, our whole nation descending like a spittle-soaked nacho being plunged into an over-ripe bowl of taramasalata; we can go a bit faster on the M25! We can throw away as much as we like! We can pretend to care about the environment! We can get rid of more staff without worrying about their pesky so-called rights!
Neeyow! Stick two fingers up to the so-called speed cameras brigade daring to stop ‘otherwise-law-abiding’ motorists and put your foot down hard on the gas pedal. Here comes freedom! You might not have a job, but if you did have a job, you’d be able to drive a bit faster, if you could afford a car, which you can’t, because there aren’t any jobs. But suppose you did have a car: you could go more quickly in it. Doesn’t that make you feel better about things?
As well as that, you can throw away as much as you like, because Eric Pickles has found £250million down the back of the settee to reward councils who reinstate weekly bin collections. Hurrah! Of course, you might find that cold comfort if you’re not earning enough money to be able to afford anything – let alone to be able to afford to just chuck stuff away without recycling or composting – but suppose you did have money: you could waste more of it. Doesn’t that make you feel better about things, either?
Forget your local library closing down. Forget the fact there are no jobs, there is no future, there is a whole generation scratching around for work that isn’t there. Forget those hundreds of Navy folk heading for the Jobcentreplus; they’ll have the consolation of knowing they can retrain as dustmen and women to fill the literally fives of vacancies that will spring up across the land when we enter the wonderful world of weekly collections. Let’s have trained Navy personnel manning the dustcarts and launching wheelie bins as torpedoes as they roar around at 80mph twice a week; it’s a perfect solution.
Of course, these are just amuse-bouches to whet our appetites as we await the big decisions at the Conservative Party conference, but they give an indication of what we can expect over the next three and a bit years as the Tories head towards glorious re-election. What we can expect is a mess. On the one hand: mess we inherited, tough decisions, privatise everything, sack everyone. On the other: weekly bin collections, driving a bit faster, possibly having to pay 5p for plastic bags.
A Government that wanted to make really tough decisions and leave a real legacy – as opposed to sacking loads of public sector workers they were going to sack anyway, but having the bonus of blaming the previous Government for the deficit in order to do so – would decrease the speed limit, and get even tougher on recycling targets for councils, in order to reduce emissions and stop waste. But we all know why that won’t happen. It won’t happen because the Coalition doesn’t have any courage. All it has is an agenda to obliterate the state, while chucking a bone to its selfish heartland to ensure it gets served up a second term in office. The question is whether they’re going to get away with it.