New Times,
New Thinking.

  1. Long reads
11 December 2007updated 24 Sep 2015 11:16am

Dr Quack’s miracle climate remedies

Roll up, roll up to hear some global warming solutions

By Peter Hardstaff

Sometimes it feels like a trade fair here in Bali what with the dozens of stalls lining the corridors of the convention centre. And it looks like Dr Quack has driven his cart all the way to Bali to peddle his miracle climate change cures…

‘Do you suffer from excess emissions that make life a misery for people around you? Then fear not, Dr Quack’s patented miracle remedies© are what you need. Specially formulated to help deal with the problem* without having to alter your day-to-day lifestyle one bit!

Why not try Dr Quack’s ‘new-clear’ high-energy food. It’s totally safe and virtually emission free**.

Or why not let mother-nature do her good work by sampling Dr Quack’s ‘bio-food’. Made entirely from one hundred per cent natural ingredients that soak-up your excess emissions while they are growing***. It’s so simple its brilliant!

Or if these remedies aren’t to your taste, how about Dr Quack’s brand new emissions ‘collection, reposition and safe storage’ (CRASS) system. That’s right folks, I’ll capture your excess gases and store them in an air tight container. Forever. No leakage. Product comes with guarantee****.”

Select and enter your email address Your weekly guide to the best writing on ideas, politics, books and culture every Saturday. The best way to sign up for The Saturday Read is via The New Statesman's quick and essential guide to the news and politics of the day. The best way to sign up for Morning Call is via
  • Administration / Office
  • Arts and Culture
  • Board Member
  • Business / Corporate Services
  • Client / Customer Services
  • Communications
  • Construction, Works, Engineering
  • Education, Curriculum and Teaching
  • Environment, Conservation and NRM
  • Facility / Grounds Management and Maintenance
  • Finance Management
  • Health - Medical and Nursing Management
  • HR, Training and Organisational Development
  • Information and Communications Technology
  • Information Services, Statistics, Records, Archives
  • Infrastructure Management - Transport, Utilities
  • Legal Officers and Practitioners
  • Librarians and Library Management
  • Management
  • Marketing
  • OH&S, Risk Management
  • Operations Management
  • Planning, Policy, Strategy
  • Printing, Design, Publishing, Web
  • Projects, Programs and Advisors
  • Property, Assets and Fleet Management
  • Public Relations and Media
  • Purchasing and Procurement
  • Quality Management
  • Science and Technical Research and Development
  • Security and Law Enforcement
  • Service Delivery
  • Sport and Recreation
  • Travel, Accommodation, Tourism
  • Wellbeing, Community / Social Services
Visit our privacy Policy for more information about our services, how Progressive Media Investments may use, process and share your personal data, including information on your rights in respect of your personal data and how you can unsubscribe from future marketing communications.

So there it is, the nuclear industry, biofuels and ‘carbon-capture and storage’ folks are all here peddling their wares as ‘solutions’ to climate change. Oh no… I think… I’ve… got… stomach-ache.

* Disclaimer: Dr Quack accepts no liability in relation to the ultimate effectiveness of his remedies. Any further correspondence on this matter should be directed at his solicitor, Mr C. Carcharias. Amity Island, USA.
** Disclaimer: Mining of source material not included in emissions calculations. Please note, the purchaser of this product is under strict obligation to develop safe and secure facilities to store the highly toxic by-products created when using Dr Quack’s ‘new-clear’ technology. Digging a hole deep underground near a poor community desperate for jobs is recommended.
*** Disclaimer: In order to avoid metabolic malfunction, ‘bio-food’ must be mixed with high-emissions food. Dr Quack accepts no responsibility for the working practices, deforestation or peat bog destruction caused by his suppliers in the Orient.
**** Disclaimer: This guarantee does not cover the eternity for which the gases must be stored to avoid adverse effects on others.

Content from our partners
An innovative approach to regional equity
ADHD in the criminal justice system: a case for change – with Takeda
The power of place in tackling climate change