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9 May 2005

Were you awake?

Election: the campaign The NS Election 2005 commemorative quiz. Your quizmaster: Charles Nevin

By Charles Nevin

Stupefying. So spectacularly dull that painters and decorators were being stalked by people trying to find a more lively alternative. But that’s what they always say about elections. Actually, though, if you could keep awake, some of it was really exciting. So here is an exclusive NS quiz, aimed at both the wakeful, who can remind themselves how responsible they were, and the yawning snoozers, who can find out what they missed.

1 What were they thinking?

a How can we improve life for the people of this country?
b How on earth can we top a fantastic slogan like “Forward not back”?
c I suppose we’d better humour this barking Australian campaign manager.
d Is there a slightly more subtle way of putting across our core message that the country is infested with lying, slippery, better-endowed foreigners who are planning to have sex with our women the moment our backs are turned?

2 What is the middle name of the Kennedy baby?

a Asquith
b Dem
c YouGov
d Moon Unit

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3 What was all that dog-whistle stuff about?

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a Code for bringing David Blunkett back
b Weren’t the Lib Dems proposing to hand out a free one to everyone who bought the reintroduced dog licence?
c It’s a bold plan to get to grips with the parks problem, involving a dog-whistle PFI and a target of completely non-conflicting whistles by 2011.
d No, it’s a policy intended only for certain recipients – for example, those concerned about lying, slippery, better-endowed foreigners who are planning to have sex with our women as soon as our backs are turned.

4 What did the BNP want people to keep at home?

a A colouring book
b A copy of its manifesto
c An assault rifle
d Three Rottweilers, two pit bull terriers, a framed photo of Berchtesgaden and an original Broadway-cast recording of The Producers

5 What happened while Tony Blair was talking to a journalist on board his election campaign plane on 27 April?

a He was his usual charming self.
b He started speaking in tongues.
c He took his usual line on Iraq.
d The plane was suddenly struck by lightning and a loud, deep voice was heard to thunder, “Hmmm”.

6 Which public figure did Brian Sedgemore describe as “a bit of a chump”?

a David Blunkett
b David Beckham
c Charles Clarke
d Brian who?

7 What happened when Tony Blair visited the Lilian Baylis School in Lambeth?

a He was booed.
b It was later explained that the booing was, in fact, pupils shouting “boom” – rap slang for “hip, hip, hooray”.
c Pupils shouted: “Tony Blair, we don’t care, he wears Cherie’s underwear.”
d It was later explained that “c” was a tribute to the government’s recent Cross-Dressing Tax Credit initiative.

8 What was Tony Blair wearing when a Sunday-newspaper journalist interviewed him at home in his Sedgefield constituency?

a A broad smile
b Round-necked, claret-and-blue pyjamas
c Trendy Ugg sheepskin boots
d Cherie’s underwear

9 What was the highlight of John Prescott’s campaign?

a The usual happy badinage and sophisticated raillery with local journalists
b Conveying certain nuanced differences of approach vis-a-vis Lord Birt and himself
c The opportunity to visit places he’d always promised himself he would get round to one day
d Being reassured that the “uh-oh” heard as he entered the playroom at the Children’s Centre in St Albans was a reference to The Teletubbies

10 What are the favourite words of John Brown, Gordon’s 18-month-old son?

a “Neoclassical endogenous growth theory.”
b “Not long to go now; just keep smiling.”
c “I don’t believe it!”
d “Oh, dear!”

11 Who appealed to voters to “shove Kilroy under a bus and win a free trip to Skeggy”?

a John Prescott
b Roger Knapman
c The British Tourist Authority
d Lord Biro, leader of the Church of the Militant Elvis Party

12 Who said: “Normally, if you want two different opinions, you have to ask two lawyers. Not with Lord Goldsmith. He’ll give you his own considered advice on Friday, and the one you want a week on Monday”?

a Lord Goldsmith’s clerk
b Tony Blair
c George W Bush
d Tony Soprano

And now, the answers!

1: You decide. 2: None of them. 3: d (c hasn’t been leaked yet). 4: c. 5: a, c; b is unconfirmed; and as for d, there was a lightning strike, but I don’t think Jeremy Paxman was on board. 6: c. 7: Search me. Ask Alastair. 8: a, b and c are correct; d is unverified. 9: You ask him, if you think you’re hard enough. 10: a. All right, it’s not – it’s d. 11: Pretty obvious, I should have said. He wears a red catsuit when he’s out campaigning. No, not Roger Knapman! 12: Rory Bremner. Thank you. And the best of luck!