24 June 2026

Cristiano Ronaldo is old, but not as old as me

Let’s hear it for the World Cup oldies

I was faffing on, wondering whether to go to bed right this minute, or stay up another two hours until 11pm so I didn’t miss Scotland’s second game, against mighty Morocco – a top-ten team, compared with Scotland’s humble ranking down in the forties.

I tuned in to ITV, so that was a big achievement, and put on my Scotland shirt. I’ve hardly had it off since Scotland’s victory against Haiti.

Oh, that’s a bit of luck – now they’re showing Portugal vs Spain. Bound to be good, didn’t know that game was on. I immediately spotted Cristiano Ronaldo, despite his short hair. He looked just as fit and classy and dominant as in his Man United days. Interesting how some players never seem to age. Lucky me, life is good, having a top game to watch…

But while I waited for kick-off, the camera cut away to the main stand where I saw the words: Spain-Portugal, Russia, 2018. Oh my good God, I was watching a very old game. Am I getting dopey? Or having too much Sauvignon?

When I came to watch Portugal’s live game against Congo a few days later, Ronaldo was playing, and I have to admit he still looked pretty good. Trim and fit, sensible short hair. But what a difference. In that 2018 game he scored a hat-trick. This time I had to check the team sheet to see if he was playing. He did nothing, and Portugal looked very poor.

But Ronaldo is 41, so what do you expect? In footballer years, as in dog years, the ageing process is not the same as for regular humans, so you have to multiply by about three. By this logic, Ronaldo is 120. Even older than me. So well done, Ronny.

Has he really reached the end of his amazing career? Once when I was in Madeira, I made a special expedition to his birthplace, and the football club where he played as a boy. I also visited a flash boutique shop named after him, CR7, and his silly statue, which girls were kissing. Hard to believe that when he first left his home island for mainland Portugal, he was teased for being provincial, a hick with a funny accent.

Another oldie in this tournament is Luka Modrić of Croatia, who will be 41 in September. He was a hero of mine from when he first joined Spurs in 2008. He looked so unlike a footballer, weedy with sunken features. Yet he was hard to knock off the ball and delivered such cunning, clever and creative passes. Alas, against England, he looked past it; he seemed to disappear and was taken off before the end.

Lionel Messi, 39 this week, is still going strong and scored a hat-trick in Argentina’s first game, against Algeria. Ronaldo must have been well pissed off. I know how he feels. I am so jealous of David Attenborough. How can he be 100 and still working? And with great hair. Not fair. Or does he use a double?

And so to Scotland’s long-awaited second game, against Morocco. I went to bed early, and woke up for it – and had just sat down when Morocco scored, in just 70 seconds, the quickest goal of the cup so far. Was I still asleep, having a nightmare? I feared it was going to be a total hammering.

Morocco could have had three or four goals in the first half. They eased back in the second, but continued to be creative and clever. I wouldn’t be surprised if Morocco go far. Though not as far as Spain, with their wonder boy Yamin Lemal.

I can’t see England making the final, not with that useless defence and all that square passing, but of course we have Harry Kane. Yes, I am claiming English heritage if Scotland don’t make it.

Kane is technically an oldie, in football terms: he turns 33 next month, with no signs of slowing down, and he did score two goals against Croatia. He looks in fine fettle, as strong and willing as he was ten years ago. He was never fast, except in his mind, always looking for an opening. In some ways he’s working harder with age. He goes back, then surges forward, surprising the opposition. Just as all we working oldies should do…

[Futher reading: World Cup tickets are a scandal]