Fictional Valentine’s Day gifts, ranked

From Harry Potter to Bridget Jones, the worst to the best fictional Valentine’s Day gifts.

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  • The promise of “the best sex of your life”, Roy to Pam, The Office (US)
  • An actual human heart, Angel to Drusilla, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
  • Unspecified Blu-rays, Dan to Blair, Gossip Girl
  • Chocolates spiked with love potion, Romilda Vane to Harry Potter, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (film)
  • A necklace literally meant for the recipient’s daughter, Luke to Lorelai, Gilmore Girls
  • A screening of a video of a woman giving birth, Chandler to Monica, Friends
  • Heartbreak, Janice to Chandler, Friends
  • “A piece of ridiculous and meaningless commercial exploitation — for my darling little frigid cow”, Daniel to Bridget, Bridget Jones’s Diary
  • An IKEA table, Criss to Liz, 30 Rock
  • “Roses are red / Violets are blue / Fuck you, whore”, Tom to Tom, 500 Days of Summer
  • The sentiment that “today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap”, Joel to Joel, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
  • Three animals transfigured into human men, Phoebe to Tessa, Andrea and Brooke, Charmed
  • The sudden disappearance of several schoolgirls, Picnic at Hanging Rock
  • A romantic abortion, Donna to Donna, Obvious Child
  • A single shoe, Helga to Arnold, Hey Arnold!
  • I Choo-Choo-Choose You Card, Lisa Simpson to Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons
  • A friendly handshake, Spongebob to Patrick, Spongebob Squarepants
  • Giant teddy bear, Bob Vance (Vance Refridgeration) to Phyliss, The Office (US)
  • Treasure hunt, Gabe to Erin (and Andy), The Office (US)
  • Scavenger hunt, Leslie to Ben (and Andy and Ron), Parks and Recreation
  • Forgotten teddy bear, Annie to Jonah, Sleepless in Seattle
  • Let’s Bee Friends Card, Lisa Simpson to Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons
  • Cookies celebrating the February 14th birthday of Anna Howard Shaw, famed American suffragette, Liz to coworkers, 30 Rock
  • “His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad” limerick, Ginny Weasley to Harry Potter, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (book)
  • Bobblehead Dwight, Angela to Dwight, The Office (US)

Anna Leszkiewicz is culture editor of the New Statesman.