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7 September 2022

This England: Nature calls

This column – which, though named after a line in Shakespeare’s “Richard II”, refers to the whole of Britain – has run in the NS since 1934.

By New Statesman

In what might be an FA Cup first, a goalkeeper has been sent off for “urinating in a hedge” during a match. The keeper in question is Connor Maseko of Hampshire side Blackfield & Langley FC, who play in the ninth-tier Wessex League.

“He needed to go to the toilet so he went up against a hedge,” Blackfield & Langley FC co-manager Conor McCarthy said. “Sometimes when you have to go you have to go.”
BBC Sport (Christopher Rossi)

Reality check

Chef Sharon Patrick was excited to be told to expect a reward from energy firm E.ON for being a pre-pay customer – only to receive a cheque for 1p.

The mum-of-one, 47, from Rochester, said: “It was laughable and insulting at the same time. With energy bills going through the roof at the minute, sending someone a 1p cheque is a joke. It probably cost 80p to send in the post, so really, what was the point?”
Metro (Amanda Welles)

[See also: This England: You’re stuffed]

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Wanted: an oracle

A desperate bloke in need of a clairvoyant has splashed out on a giant billboard in Manchester – with no contact information.

The mystery man contacted signage company MandoeMedia and forked out for the advert to go live near a busy commuter route. It reads, “Psychic wanted. You know where to apply” – the client claiming a real medium “would know exactly when, where, and how to contact them”. Puzzled passers-by have been left scratching their heads.
Manchester Evening News (Mike Ireson)

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[See also: This England: What the butler showed]

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This article appears in the 07 Sep 2022 issue of the New Statesman, Liz Truss Unchained