In 2023, I was expecting Count Binface, my favourite novelty election candidate, ready for our interview to promote his new book-cum-manifesto, What On Earth? I was ready to be tickled pink with wry observations about “Recyclons” and Boris Bloody Johnson. But when the doorbell rang, I was appalled.
It wasn’t Count Binface. It was a man holding a large bag. That man? It was household name Jon Harvey.
I couldn’t believe it. Jon Harvey! The beloved name and establishment fixture, whose CV’s length and renown is comparable to the Bayeux Tapestry. The man the British establishment have propelled to the top of light entertainment, rightly coronating him with credits for writing additional material for eight episodes of Have I Got News For You and for his unparalleled work as a script associate of Only Connect. The man whose fame is really only rivalled by Ant, and, let’s face it, Dec.
I could just picture the lads down the skittles club when I told them. Their eyes would roll back in their heads, mouths frothing with surprise that Count Binface was really establishment favourite Jon Harvey. All that time it had been him masquerading as a seven-foot alien called a Recyclon, standing against prime ministers in general elections, running for London Mayor. He strode in with confidence and ease, smiled, shook my hand and asked my name, telling me with a glint in his eye the count would be here any minute, before disappearing into the bathroom to get changed.
Britain’s most famous man came out in his masked alter ego and reintroduced himself to me. Then the interview began. Binface opened hot. That rotter Boris! Hancock! Truss! Lettuce! He was firing on all cylinders. I decided to make him work a little harder, and gave it my best Paxman. I pointed out, beaming, to the Count, that given his electoral record of not winning a single election he’s stood in, he was an unsuccessful politician.
I could feel the quiet rage behind the mask.
“Fuck you, mate,” he responded.
I was appalled. This was no way to respond to gentle ribbing. I glanced at the crew around and none of them seemed to care. They were still in the full grips of Harvey fever. Some of them even giggled.
The interview concluded, and life went on. Jon Harvey’s ubiquity continued. People went to sleep wearing Jon Harvey pyjamas and waking up to eat Jon Harvey cereal. I considered speaking out. If only they knew that the man they had tattooed on their chest was the man behind the UK’s premier novelty candidate and clearly had some sort of anger management issues. But who would believe me? The Harvey industrial complex runs too deep. The man controls the media. I resigned myself to silence.
I initially rolled my eyes when Nigel Farage announced he was stepping down as an MP to immediately run again, and pitched the consequent by-election as the people versus the establishment. That changed when Binface announced his candidacy, and none of the uniparty did.
I might not believe in Nigel Farage’s policies or his relationship with baby-faced millionaires. But I believe in fairness. So I’m speaking out in an effort to derail Count Binface/Jon Harvey’s campaign. Farage is right: it really is him versus the establishment. Count Binface is the establishment.
Some fellow travellers have made valiant efforts already. Scores of anti-Binface activists have discovered the truth already about Harvey being behind Binface. They sound the alarm and point to Harvey’s years at the heart of the establishment, reporting for Times Radio and writing two books.
Lord Daniel Hannah, one of the bad boys of Brexit, has robustly broken down the mania of Count Binface’s policies, correctly identifying that Count Binface’s policy of limiting the price of a kebab will do more damage than a five-year plan.
My attempts to raise the alarm haven’t gone down well. I shared the clip of Harvey/face telling me to fuck off on social media with the caption “Clacton candidate avoids media scrutiny”. It’s had more than two million views, but it hasn’t sparked the revelation I had hoped for.
I’m getting worried now, as victory in Clacton begins to look more and more certain for the Count. If you examine Jon Harvey’s face in one of the countless billboards that dominate our country, there lurks an anger behind the eyes. Who knows what would happen if he were given access to the nuclear codes?
So, dear reader, I turn to you. Raise the alarm. Take down the framed photo of Jon Harvey from your wall. Stop watching the “Best of Jon Harvey” compilation on YouTube. Let Jon Harvey Day go unmarked this year. It’s us against the establishment.
[Further reading: What George Cottrell knows about money laundering]
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Subscribe here to commentI’m very much hoping that the previous two comments are also satirical, like the article…
While I’m sure constituencies can still produce local joke candidates, its sad to learn that even that sort of candidate are now parachutists. Thanks for the eye-opener on Count Ego.
Every candidate is parachuted from somewhere although usually from the normal vested interests of big business,trades unions,think tanks and the professions including armed forces.Someone whose vocation is writing comedy seems best equipped to take on a candidate backed by very unfunny foreign interests and always it seems forgiven for his lack of practicable policies as long the racism card is played.Laughter is, as an old rightwing magazine once led with, is the best medicine and also an effective disinfectant for shady operatives. Journalists cannot always expect to have their interviewees bow to their undoubtedly high self esteem and hopefully the new PM will also deliver a sharp f-u when merited to the denizens of Grub Street.