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16 April 2010

TV debates: five not hugely important things you might have missed

Election 2010: Guffwatch!

By Sophie Elmhirst

Having surfaced from a deep submersion in the post-tv debate analysis pond (it is thick and murky down there, with a million tweets and so much Clegg) it is now time to take a calmer view of last night’s proceedings. Why, I ask, have the following not been addressed with the same fierce scrutiny as who won/the rules/Clegg/Clegg/Clegg/Clegg/Clegg?

1. The opening credits. Were we in 1972? The most important televisual moment in political broadcasting history and ITV took a leaf out of the design concept behind The Generation Game. (Also, did the whole thing not, at times, resemble The Weakest Link? I kept expecting Clegg and Brown to hold up cards with “Cameron” scrawled on it. Cut to an interview with Cambo saying he thought it was all very unfair and meanie Brown was just out to get him.)

2. Cleggoland (this one definitely isn’t going to catch on) drawing huge circles on his pad, clearly around the audience’s names so he could say things like “Jacqueline, you’re my friend aren’t you?” and “Jacqueline, now I’ve said your name 85 times you’ll have to vote for me! Won’t you!”

3. Alastair Stewart’s panic-stricken voice – revealed as he tried to assert his authority (really self-smashed in the moment he got the dates of the devolved debates wrong and maniacally whittered something about the “heat of the moment”) by barking out their names with ever-escalating volume. “Mr Brown, Mr CAMeron, MIIISSTTTEERRR CLEGGGGGG!).

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4. Cambo’s angry eyes. Smiling with his mouth, murderous with his eyes. Never a good look.

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5. Everyone in the audience was in a disguise! Seriously – have you ever seen so many false moustaches, patently fake glasses and oversized wigs? Tell me someone else noticed this – it was like they had all dressed up as the cast of Last of the Summer Wine in there. Right that’s one too many dated TV show references. Over and out.

(Oh and the most important question of all. Who won on the GUFF? It’s got to be Gordo doesn’t it? The “I agree with Nick” stuff was nauseating and there was a nationwide cringe as he crunched out the jokes. The ultimate poll, then: The Guff Poll. Gordo: 1. Cambo: 0 (but +10 for his protestation after the event that he’d had so much fun! Puh-lease.) Cleggoland: 0 (but -4000 according to the British public who have suddenly heard of the Liberal Democrats).