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13 September 2017

6 things you can spend £70 a month on that are better than an iPhone X

More chicken nuggets than you've ever dreamed of. 

By Jason Murugesu

The iPhone X will cost £999 when it comes out in the UK on 3 November 2017. Though it has not been confirmed, a contract is expected to set you back £70 a month. Here’s what else you could spend that money on:

1) All the streaming services

The streaming wars have broken families and destroyed friendships. Have you watched Transparent? No – I have Netflix like normal people! Have you watched the new JAY-Z video? Who the hell has Tidal?

With £70 a month, this will never happen to you again. You will be the most up-to-date pop culture swot in the whole kingdom. Peace in our times!

2) 350 individual chicken nuggets from McDonald’s 

This needs no more explanation. 

3) A different pair of glasses every fortnight 

Two pairs of glasses for one from Specsavers for £69 is all well and good if you think a winter and summer pair are enough. That’s so 2010. Take advantage of the deal every month, and every two weeks you have a different look and so a different personality, so even more people will like you.

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4) Dating sites 

There is no point being so fashion forward if you’re single, depressed and lonely. You cannot put a price on love. But Tinder is so passé. 

EliteSingles is close to £40 a month. Add that to the more mainstream Match.com (those commoners are still good for a one-night stand) and you’ve covered every market. 

5) Buy Twitter Followers and sponsor all your Facebook posts

Forget love – popularity is all that counts.

6) Monthly downpayment on a tomb

Am I only the one who feels jealous when I walks past a Victorian cemetery? Rather than a phone that you will inevitably drop down a toilet one day, leave a legacy in the form of hard, impervious, rock. 

NB: Whatever you decide to spend your  money on, when you encounter someone who has actually spent £70 a month on an iPhone X, the correct response is: “I thought about it but actually I decided to give the money to my favourite charity instead.”