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20 May 2019updated 07 Jun 2021 3:55pm

What your choice of protest food says about you

By Media Mole

Milkshake is the edible tool of protest du jour, with Nigel Farage as its latest creamy victim. But the practice of chucking food at people you disagree with is an ancient art. So what does your choice of edible dissent say about YOU?

Rotten tomato

Good morrow, sirrah! You are some kind of Elizabethan or Jacobean urchin. You are usually found in the open-air pit of the Globe, getting drenched, grumbling that “no wonder the tickets are only five groats”, lobbing rotten tomatoes at the actors you think deliver laboured Shakespearean jokes with the least conviction. Sometimes you get bored of the theatre and go and no-platform some good-for-nothing knave in the stocks with the full passata treatment. Can’t believe they’re still giving these guys a pillory. Bloody BBC.

A raw egg

You are pure. You are classy. To oeuf is to declare oneself an uncomplicated traditionalist. An egalitarian. Everyone, from Ed Miliband to Arnold Schwarzenegger to Margaret Thatcher to Nick Griffin, is kissed by the yolk. You are a plain white tee, little black dress, Levi 501, Chanel No 5, GAP hoodie, Converse All-Star high-top classic. You are timeless. You are the moon in orbit. You are the nine planets. The sun rising in the east and setting in the west. You egg, and the world eggs with you. Egg on, dear egger. Egg on.

Custard pie

WAZZZZZZZZZZUUUUPPP!!! It’s the LATE NINETIES or the EARLY NOUGHTIES! And everyone with STRONG POLITICAL OPINIONS is really ANNOYING! Monopolising the mainstream media? TRY SOME CUSTARRRRD! Famous beneficiary of Thatcherite consensus capitalism? HAVE A TASTE OF THIS PIE-RECT ACTION! Early tech giant? OBEY THE CRÈME ANGLAIS! Cloning a sheep? WHAM, BAM THANK YOU, FLAN!

Flour

You are resourceful in times of urgency. Ie. Tesco ran out of eggs.

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Custard, dyed green

You are that lady with a Venti sized coffee cup of green custard who was really angry with Peter Mandelson in 2009. Ooh, what have you got there, guacamole?

Yoghurt

You are angry at the current political climate, and also Greek.

Milkshake

Oh, how millennial of you. You are basically a meme. Amazing that you found time between smashed avocado boardgame brunches and practising which pronouns to use at a spoken word slam to protest. Isn’t throwing drinks a bit of a micro-aggression? Or are you just such a snowflake that can’t tolerate the lactose? Why are you spending money on milkshake, anyway? You’ll never save for a deposit like that.