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26 January 2007

Do you think I’m sexy?

Sexy or racist, which one? Marina will be able to clarify

By Marina Pepper

Dear Marina

On a recent trip to the sub-continent I praised Gandhi for being a peace-loving man but I’m worried it might have looked a tad hypocritical because of my support for the Iraq war. Do you think it is possible to be peace-loving and war-appreciating at the same time? GB.
PS Do you think I’m sexy?

This from the great man himself:
What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty or democracy?

Mahatma Gandhi objected to violence “because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.”

He also taught: Whenever you are confronted with an opponent conquer him with love.
Peace is the most powerful weapon of mankind. It takes more courage to take a blow than give one. It takes more courage to try and talk things through than to start a war.
An eye for an eye makes the world blind.

You can’t have it both ways, GB and no I consider you about as sexy as a duck’s arse.

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Dear Marina

Am I right in thinking that it’s an abominable sin for poofs to adopt children?
RC Chief, Westminster.

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I always assumed the Catholic stance on homosexuality existed to keep medieval monks out of each other’s cassocks: as opposed to depriving unwanted and/or neglected children of potential loving homes.

Medical science has come a long way since the days when lesbians, armed with turkey basters, utilised the semen of willing friends of Dorothy in their attempts to procreate. Even so, not all LGBTs wish to conceive in the clinical surrounds of a fertility centre. Why shouldn’t they make themselves available to mop up those kids, made by old fashioned methods, who turn out to be surplus to other’s requirements?

What are the alternatives? Leave the kids in a children’s home where exposure to paedophiles is accepted as read or with chain smoking foster carers deemed fit for purpose simply for taking it up the religiously correct passage?

Honestly, you’d wonder what Catholic-run adoption agencies are for. Back in the 1960s I understand they were useful set ups for depriving babies of their natural birth mothers in order to satisfy the nuns’ sadistic tendencies. But I thought we’d moved on and now put kids’ needs first.

But then if that were the case, the Catholic Church would be screaming for condoms to be used to halt the growing number of AIDS orphans around the world. That is clearly not the case.

In short, sir, you couldn’t be more wrong in your thinking if you claimed the earth was flat or that Mary was a virgin. They didn’t have turkey basters then, did they?

Dear Marina

Do you think I’m racist? JG, Essex.

Why on earth do you care about what I think? I hadn’t even heard of you until about two weeks ago. But since you ask: I enjoy your free spirit, one apparently untrammeled by formal education or a good upbringing. In this sense you are a pretty average British subject. But does that make you racist?

Well I have read worse than what you said in Tory Party literature and in the Daily Mail. A lot worse. But that’s different. As everyone knows there’s one rule for male bastions and quite another for self-made working class women with hot tempers. It’s what we call a core British value.

Jack Straw wants such values promoted and Jade I think you’re his woman, what with your inverted class snobbery and deep suspicion of anything culturally different from yourself. You don’t get much more British than that.

Stick with Jack and it’s only a matter of time before your career is back on track with a newspaper column of your own. For the sake of core British values you can bang on to your hearts content as to the merits of Johnny Foreigner coming over here to steal our jobs and women while at the same time celebrating how much more reasonable he makes the price of a plumber these days.

No Jade, so long as you type in a posh accent it won’t be racist, it will be social commentary.

Dear Marina

I have been charged with rape and I’ve taken time off work to sort this out. Naturally I am innocent but I hold a very important office and some people say I should resign? You don’t think I should go, do you Marina. MK, Tel Aviv

Resignation following allegations of improper behaviour is frightfully old fashioned. Here in Britain it is perfectly acceptable for political leaders to shag the staff and expect no greater repercussions than becoming a laughing stock. But resign from office? Hell no. You can start an illegal war here and still be expected to turn up for work.

But the charge of rape suggests your staff weren’t exactly up for it over the photocopier. Which bit of no did you fail to grasp?

Since your role is largely ceremonial it is helpful that you take time off work until the matter is cleared up. I mean, what’s the big deal? It’s not as though you were intending to sort out Palestine before you retired, is it?