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4 January 2007

Cheeky advice for jilted weathergirls

Our agony aunt will help with your social, sexual, and political problems, but expect some forthrigh

By Marina Pepper

Dear Marina

I have had a long and successful TV career and, until recently, was part of a “golden couple”. However, I have recently discovered that my (now ex) fiancé has been having it away with an obscure Romanian pop twin. I realise I’m better off without him. I do. But why doesn’t he want to touch my bum anymore?
Sian, Wales
P.S. I hope both those hagbags get deported to Transylvania. Not that I’ve heard of them.

It’s never easy when the warmth of a sunny relationship cools. But along with the sunshine we have to take a bit of rain sometimes. And it’s an ill wind that blows no good. Weather this cold snap and remind yourself that every cloud has a silver lining: It could be worse, your ex could still be your fiancé and dating on two fronts. How unsettling would that be? As to why a 41-year-old man, five years your junior, who has yet to start a family prefers the bottom of a 24-year-old to yours – can I take a cheeky raincheck on that one please?

Dear Marina

My name has become associated with a terrible crime which I did not do. Someone else has been charged with the offence but my name is mud and I don’t think I’ll be able to ever get past this. My family knows private things about me that make me ashamed. I come from a small town where I don’t think I shall ever be safe and my career – such as it was – is in tatters. Help me!
Maltreated, East Anglia

How did your family discover your dark secrets? You didn’t by any chance blab your heart out to the media, did you? Aha, that’ll be it then. As such it is unlikely you can sue, as it’s all your fault. But at least you’re not going to go to jail for a crime you didn’t commit. As for feeling ashamed, I understand how guilty you must feel working for a supermarket chain that destroys local jobs wherever it opens a new store. But hey, no one’s perfect. I bet some of those relatives who scorn you use the local express rather than the farm shop. Am I right?

Tell your family we can’t all afford to be ethical consumers and that beneath it all, you’re still the un-loveable loner that no one liked at school. Everyone deserves a second chance, even supermarket shelf-stackers simply carrying out orders.

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Dear Marina

My family is, like, totally embarrassing. I know a lot of people feel this way but my family is kind of in the public eye. My dad is a bit bonkers – first he goes on about wanting to be some woman’s tampon, and then about how he talks to his plants. My brother’s alright, but does tend to put his foot in it. One time, he went to this fancy dress party as a Nazi. Given our German lineage, can you imagine the hoo-ha?! And as for my granddad, well, he’s not so tolerant when it comes to… anyone.

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I now have a long-term girlfriend and it’s going splendidly. I wouldn’t want my unconventional family to jeopardise it. Please help!
Wills xx

Oh Wills, of course they’ll jeopardise your future happiness. Overbearing families like yours just can’t help themselves. But you’re a reasonably educated, if not intelligent, lad. Show her you’re different. Explain that just because your unelected grandmother can send our country to war without parliament’s consent that you personally would never go into battle – well, not to the front line anyway where the risk of being killed by Americans is far too great for a man destined to open new hospital wings for a living.

Prove to her that you can squeeze your own tube of toothpaste, ride a bicycle and utilise public transport and she will surely be yours. Having created distance between yourselves and your clan you can get on with proposing and organising a quiet wedding watched by six billion people worldwide before settling down to a life of waiting for daddy to shuffle off this mortal coil so you get the best foreign trips. Good luck young lovers!