New Times,
New Thinking.

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17 March 2017

All the things Noel Fielding will probably compare bakes to on The Great British Bake Off

From the weird to the weirder.

By Anna Leszkiewicz

So, Channel 4 have announced Noel Fielding, alongside Sandi Toksvig, as the new host of The Great British Bake Off. I imagine it going something like this. “For this technical challenge, we have provided you with flour, an egg, Bagpuss fur, cinnamon, self-loathing, glitter and a jar of dawn mist. The recipe will be whispered on the winds. You have 37 minutes to create a dish for Robert Smith’s niece.”

Ok, so Fielding probably won’t be able to change the fundamentals of this formulaic baking competition, but he will be able to put his own spin on things. Here’s a list of all the different things Noel Fielding will probably compare bakes to on The Great British Bake Off:

  • An afternoon snack for Tim Burton’s children
  • A peppermint nightmare
  • If Hansel and Gretel went on a three-day binge in Berlin
  • Crunchy friends in a chocolate broth
  • Galactic moss
  • Gary Numan’s breakfast
  • A taupe monstrosity
  • A buttercream scarecrow
  • A fuzzy little bread peach
  • A child’s party hat with anxiety
  • A tuile Iron Maiden
  • If Jack the Ripper started a fast food business
  • A caramel penny farthing
  • A caterpillar on mescaline
  • A gummy bear’s travel pillow
  • The love-child of a Victoria sponge and jealousy
  • An aggressive oatmeal
  • The sound of peanut banjos
  • A swan’s cream saxophone
  • If Princess Diana ate Scooby Snacks
  • A deflated beige snowflake
  • A Dolly Mix haunted house
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