A potted history and multi-interviewee analysis of England manager Gareth Southgate kept trying to not mention penalty misses, while continually referencing penalty misses (17 June, 5.40pm,). “We just cannot let it go,” grieved Alan Shearer. Others feigned interest in Southgate’s education (“He could have done A levels!”) and his wrangling over managerial fees (“Gareth knows his worth”). And there was a sweet story about how, as a young player, he would go around super-companionably shaking hands with the opposing team, even if they had just crucified his side Crystal Palace, inviting them back to the pub for pies and pints like something out of a Leonard Gribble novel, until his boss suggested he ditch football as a career and become a travel agent (“Gareth welled up a bit”).
But the penalty ever-hovered. Southgate will eternally be poised to take that kick on the Euro pitch, feeling the cubic yardage of gasped air on his skin during a rare moment in history – 1996 – when culture and football perfectly aligned. (Even when he went on his honeymoon to Bali afterwards, he was reminded of his heartbreak by an exasperated Buddhist monk.) Presenter Mark Coles tends towards sarcasm in his voice anyway, but when former teammate Simon Osborn said, “Gareth’s your Steady Eddie, a seven out of ten,” Coles totally let rip: “Seven out of ten, is that enough to win us the World Cup?” Tch – cheap shot.
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