View all newsletters
Sign up to our newsletters

Support 110 years of independent journalism.

  1. Culture
3 May 2017updated 08 Sep 2021 8:32am

Goldie: I feel my leg breaking underwater . . . There have to be easier ways to pay for a divorce

The only way I can describe the feeling of a leg breaking underwater is, it’s like getting hit with a sledgehammer through a bag of potatoes. 

By Goldie

So, where am I? It’s March of 2006, and I’m in this Channel 4 TV show, The Games, knowing that I need the money to pay for my divorce, which is costly.

It’s the last day of six weeks’ training and I’m thinking, “This is easy.” Jade Jones – from Damage, who dated Baby Spice all those years – he was the only brother that could’ve taken me on. I was looking at everyone else thinking, “All pussies, man, we’ll smash this.”

Money in the bank!

Skating? Done it. Ice-skating? Piece of piss. Snowboarding, that’s easy. Me and Jade are mashing it up every week.

Last day and it’s waterskiing. Down in Chertsey. I’m jumping, landing, bam! Jumping, landing, bam! Done it twice, and this is the third and final run – the last time before the show airs in three days’ time. This is like the dress rehearsal. Goes fine. Smooth as silk.

Select and enter your email address Your weekly guide to the best writing on ideas, politics, books and culture every Saturday. The best way to sign up for The Saturday Read is via saturdayread.substack.com The New Statesman's quick and essential guide to the news and politics of the day. The best way to sign up for Morning Call is via morningcall.substack.com Our Thursday ideas newsletter, delving into philosophy, criticism, and intellectual history. The best way to sign up for The Salvo is via thesalvo.substack.com Stay up to date with NS events, subscription offers & updates. Weekly analysis of the shift to a new economy from the New Statesman's Spotlight on Policy team.
  • Administration / Office
  • Arts and Culture
  • Board Member
  • Business / Corporate Services
  • Client / Customer Services
  • Communications
  • Construction, Works, Engineering
  • Education, Curriculum and Teaching
  • Environment, Conservation and NRM
  • Facility / Grounds Management and Maintenance
  • Finance Management
  • Health - Medical and Nursing Management
  • HR, Training and Organisational Development
  • Information and Communications Technology
  • Information Services, Statistics, Records, Archives
  • Infrastructure Management - Transport, Utilities
  • Legal Officers and Practitioners
  • Librarians and Library Management
  • Management
  • Marketing
  • OH&S, Risk Management
  • Operations Management
  • Planning, Policy, Strategy
  • Printing, Design, Publishing, Web
  • Projects, Programs and Advisors
  • Property, Assets and Fleet Management
  • Public Relations and Media
  • Purchasing and Procurement
  • Quality Management
  • Science and Technical Research and Development
  • Security and Law Enforcement
  • Service Delivery
  • Sport and Recreation
  • Travel, Accommodation, Tourism
  • Wellbeing, Community / Social Services
Visit our privacy Policy for more information about our services, how New Statesman Media Group may use, process and share your personal data, including information on your rights in respect of your personal data and how you can unsubscribe from future marketing communications.
THANK YOU

At this point, my manager (well, he’s my ex-manager now, but he was my manager then) turns up. “Just go around again,” he says.

“No.”

“Come on, let’s go out again.”

Of course, the ego’s kicked in, hasn’t it? “All right.”

This is going to be impressive, isn’t it? Because my manager’s in the boat. It’s pulled me up out of the water. The skis are too tight but it’s OK – I’ve crossed the wake fine. I put my heels into it and come right round – hit the edge of the ramp; you need to pull away so you get the most traction.

Now I’ve launched off it. The jump is beautiful, it’s amazing, it’s better than Eddie the Eagle, baby. I’ve landed, dug my heels in . . . and the wake’s caught the skis, pulled the leg under the water and snapped it.

The only way I can describe the feeling of a leg breaking underwater is, it’s like getting hit with a sledgehammer through a bag of potatoes. The whole force of it – but through the potatoes. When I came back up to the surface, I felt nothing, but then I looked to my left, just over my shoulder, and saw my leg floating in the other direction. It’s at f***ing 11 o’clock to where it ought to be!

I’m thinking, “This is weird – that leg’s not supposed to be there.” And then all of a sudden, the pain hits me.

Oh my God. I’ve got quite a high pain threshold, but this has sailed way over it. The people from the show are round me, trying to grab me out of the water, but every time they touch me, I’m like, “Argh!”

Now they’ve dragged me to the shore and they’re trying to cut the skis off.

There’s a mad court case where I ultimately end up getting compensated for everything. So that helped, but it wasn’t worth the pain.

The divorce was, though. 

Goldie & The Heritage Orchestra Ensemble headline Funk The Format Festival on Saturday 17th June in Hove Park: www.funktheformat.co.uk

Content from our partners
Data science can help developers design future-proof infrastructure
How to tackle the UK's plastic pollution problem – with Coca-Cola
The hard truth about soft skills

This article appears in the 26 Apr 2017 issue of the New Statesman, Cool Britannia 20 Years On

Select and enter your email address Your weekly guide to the best writing on ideas, politics, books and culture every Saturday. The best way to sign up for The Saturday Read is via saturdayread.substack.com The New Statesman's quick and essential guide to the news and politics of the day. The best way to sign up for Morning Call is via morningcall.substack.com Our Thursday ideas newsletter, delving into philosophy, criticism, and intellectual history. The best way to sign up for The Salvo is via thesalvo.substack.com Stay up to date with NS events, subscription offers & updates. Weekly analysis of the shift to a new economy from the New Statesman's Spotlight on Policy team.
  • Administration / Office
  • Arts and Culture
  • Board Member
  • Business / Corporate Services
  • Client / Customer Services
  • Communications
  • Construction, Works, Engineering
  • Education, Curriculum and Teaching
  • Environment, Conservation and NRM
  • Facility / Grounds Management and Maintenance
  • Finance Management
  • Health - Medical and Nursing Management
  • HR, Training and Organisational Development
  • Information and Communications Technology
  • Information Services, Statistics, Records, Archives
  • Infrastructure Management - Transport, Utilities
  • Legal Officers and Practitioners
  • Librarians and Library Management
  • Management
  • Marketing
  • OH&S, Risk Management
  • Operations Management
  • Planning, Policy, Strategy
  • Printing, Design, Publishing, Web
  • Projects, Programs and Advisors
  • Property, Assets and Fleet Management
  • Public Relations and Media
  • Purchasing and Procurement
  • Quality Management
  • Science and Technical Research and Development
  • Security and Law Enforcement
  • Service Delivery
  • Sport and Recreation
  • Travel, Accommodation, Tourism
  • Wellbeing, Community / Social Services
Visit our privacy Policy for more information about our services, how New Statesman Media Group may use, process and share your personal data, including information on your rights in respect of your personal data and how you can unsubscribe from future marketing communications.
THANK YOU