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5 March 2013updated 27 Sep 2015 3:57am

The five most retrospectively creepy pieces about Lara Croft

Games journalism has come on a lot in a little over a decade.

By Helen Lewis

Over the last few days, I’ve been playing the new Tomb Raider title, and reading up on the older games in the series. One of the things which has most struck me is how much more sophisticated the general level of discussion is on mainstream gaming magazines and websites these days. 

Anyway, I thought I would share a couple of gems with you. I’m going to read back a couple of these next time I feel down about sexism in games. Yes, we’ve got a way to go, but look how far we’ve come. After all, remember Nude Raider?

 

1. Women! What are they about?

Women. What an incredibly perplexing creation. On one hand, they can be beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, engaging, and on occasion, down right awe inspiring. On the other, they can be ugly, spiteful, shallow, heartless, ambiguous and deliberately deceptive to the point of frustration that borders on insanity. But still, we come back for more.

– IGN review of Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation in 2000 

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2. “Bigger tits for Lara Croft”

Lara Croft’s breasts are to get a boost for the new version of Tomb Raider. According to the game’s designers, her 38D assets [see Technical Briefing below] will be given “more definition”. They won’t necessarily be bigger but will have added detail – so, presumably they will look bigger. We’re also waiting on an answer as to whether this extra “detail” will include nipples.

Of course this is all PR nonsense to raise interest in the game and, as a Reg staffer pointed out, you never get to see them anyway because you’re always behind her.

We are unable to confirm whether Core Design will include a new viewing angle purely to enjoy the game’s latest enhancements. But don’t worry. Apparently, her arse will also be rounder. Incidentally, the woman chosen to play Lara in some upcoming hype-led crap movie only has 32DD breasts, as does the lady that does the games show circuit, getting geeks all sweaty (although, a quick trawl of Angelina Jolie sites shows her varying from 32DD to 38DD. Obsessive reporter John Leyden has offered to visit Angelina and find out once and for all).

Congratulations to the guys at the Register for seeing right through Core Designs PR nonsense, but bravely writing a story on it anyway. (2000) Also, nice work getting “the only woman in the Reg office” involved later in the piece.

 

3. Who needs a fundamentally sound gameplay mechanic when you got boobs, lads?

There’s a reason that Tomb Raider sales dropped around the point Lara got a breast reduction and it has nothing to do with gamer gender dysphoria, but rather the wane of the communal hard-on.

Thanks, Kotaku writer from 2006! Incidentally, never use the phrase “communal hard-on” ever again, please.

 

4. Did I say “we”? I meant “I”.

Throughout the years, young, innocent boys who started their gaming careers on the Atari and NES, grew into old, perverted gamers of the next generation. As we gamers continue to age, our interactive material moves right along with us, and that also means that as women begin to appeal to us, we begin making games that reflect our “perfect woman.” These women all tend to have one thing in common: enormous breasts.

Who volunteers to tell this writer from the Examiner in 2010 that although he thinks he’s writing on behalf of all gamers, he’s really only writing about himself. 

 

5. No no no, these breasts are TOO BIG. I want a refund!

Honestly now…! No, don’t get me wrong, I like a huge pair of boobies as much as the next fellow but everything has to stop with Lara Croft’s size of breasts. Anything bigger than that is just… plain inefficient if you ask me. Capcom is struggling to achieve more fame the easy way. I repeat. The breasts look great, but was it really necessary? Ivy was already a D if not more.

Basically, video games should present fantasy in the most colorful and luscious way possible. It’s like making dreams come true.

A man from Softpedia in 2007 had trouble typing this because his palms were so sweaty with lust. But, like a god-damn hero, he wrote it anyway.

***

By contrast, this time round, you can read IGN’s Keza MacDonald interview writer Rhianna Pratchett; Maddy Myers on Lara and the player’s “gaze”; and Cara Ellison on her continuing relationship with the character. Not to mention that Kotaku’s editor recently told commenters who abused journalist Patricia Hernandez for writing about gender that they’re weren’t welcome on the site.