Conservatives from David Cameron down demand cuts to translation services to force Juan and Jola Foreigner to learn English. While Eric Pickles has issued an edict ordering England’s councils to bin multilingual leaflets, Iain Duncan Smith snips welfare booklets. So imagine my snout’s surprise on receiving a Tory election leaflet in ten languages, including Polish and Lithuanian, in IDS’s Chingford and Woodford Green backyard. Conservative double standards require no translation.
Sex attacker Max Clifford is in jail – and his furniture is in Ukip’s HQ. The Faragist Purple Shirts shared a billet in the same Mayfair block as the pervert predator until he received an unwelcome invitation to stay at one of Her Majesty’s guest houses. Tables and chairs from the disgraced PR’s lair have found their way into Nigel Farage’s command centre. The irony isn’t lost on Ukippers Neil and Christine Hamilton, who sued Clifford after he endorsed entirely false accusations that they had sexually assaulted one of his kiss-and-tell clients.
After the comrades spent last August on the beach, Labour leave is to be curtailed this summer to repel Cameron’s Blue Shorts and the Purple Shirts. I was reminded of a private moan by Ed Miliband suggesting that he feels his shadow cabinet doesn’t pull its weight: “I don’t mind them taking off August,” Mili observed. “It’s the rest of the year that worries me.”
Pickles must be tossing and turning after cops demanded that Tory Essex switch back on the street lights in bits of Big Eric’s Brentwood manor following a crime wave. The Communities Secretary welcomed the great turn-off for helping him sleep while saving money. My disgruntled informant with the torch snarled that the larger-than-life Tory would be safe waddling to the local Indian takeaway when the lamps shine again.
The Beast of Bolsover is enjoying fun at the expense of Michael Gove’s bottom lip. Dennis Skinner, the Commons heckler-in-chief, observed that the lower rim of the Education Secretary’s mouth glistens with spittle when he becomes overexcited at the despatch box. Labour MPs on the awkward squad bench discuss the wetness in a stage whisper and giggle when the radar-lugged Mickey wipes it dry with the back of his hand.
Farage’s deputy, the MEP Paul Nuttall, has discovered that politics is a tiring business. Excited by the election results, the Ukipper took a sleeping pill to get 40 winks. By his own admission, the first broadcast interview of the day was a groggy blur. Meanwhile Nick Clegg would dearly love to wake from his Lib Dumb nightmare.
Kevin Maguire is the associate editor (politics) of the Daily Mirror