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How British are you?

Media Mole solves your national identity crisis.

New Statesman
Fantastic headgear is compulsory in Britain. Image: Getty

Hand-wringing feminist gay immigrant ripping off the British people with benefits and plunging house prices, or right-thinking defender of traditional values worried about the badger cull? Sometimes it’s difficult to know where you fit in – especially if you’ve been blindsided by the Daily Mail’s recent revelations about Ralph Miliband. Luckily for you, a handy quiz is here to help you recategorise yourself. All answers based upon evidence from the Mail.

In World War II, did you:

  1. Fight for Britain because of your love for the motherland.
  2. Fight for Britain because of your hatred for the Nazis and your devious determination to get fodder for future left-wing books that nobody will read. Your cunning knows no bounds.
  3. Try to get everyone to forget that you posed for a photo with Hitler.

When in Highgate, do you:

  1. Relax in your million pound flat – who wants to mix with the riff-raff?
  2. Visit Highgate Cemetery and its famous grave residents. It’s like a radical fantasy cocktail party in here.
  3. Desecrate Highgate Cemetery and the remains of its famous residents. You don’t want the zombie apocalypse to be all about communism.

How does this make you feel?

  1. Disgusted. Have people forgotten how many innocent men and women fighting for capitalism were killed by Karl Marx’s bare hands? Not to mention those of his brother, Ralph Miliband.
  2. Reflective. Perhaps you will write a book about the socialism and the application of ideology.
  3. Hungry.

Who caused the recession?

  1. Women and immigrants flooding the workplace.
  2. Bankers.
  3. Obama, as payback for historical racial oppression.

You wake up feeling slightly under the weather. What is the most likely explanation?

  1. Cancer. Really, it was inevitable, considering that yesterday you ate food, used your mobile phone, and accidentally sat next to a woman who was breastfeeding (before walking away in disgust.)
  2. The same cold that the rest of your family are suffering from.
  3. Ridiculous question. You have never been ill.

Members of Greenpeace: how would you best describe them?

  1. Apocalyptic eco-zealots. Obviously.
  2. Members of Greenpeace.
  3. A fascist boat of middle class people having a little bit of a float around the world.

How many pictures of Margaret Thatcher do you keep in your office?

  1. The same amount as those of your partner and family – but in more prominent a position.
  2. Just the one, in the centre of the dartboard.
  3. I don’t need any when The Lady comprises the permanent wallpaper of my mind.

When you were 17, you were...

  1. Joining the Combined Cadet Force and practicing the national anthem. Nationalism is key to a healthy teenage mind.
  2. Writing diary entries and making plain your distaste for the Establishment. Nationalism is suspect.
  3. Biding your time.

Do you know what the word ‘traduce’ means?

  1. No.
  2. Yes.
  3. No. And I wouldn’t look it up because I’d be wasting time that could be spent doing business.

If you were a superhero, what kind would you be?

  1. Batman. You have a butler and a penchant for vigilante justice – what could go wrong?
  2. A working class hero.
  3. The Green Goblin. What?

Now add up your scores, wannabe Brits!

Mostly As

Congratulations, you are British! Just make sure to defend the honour of others like you, as they’re a dying breed.

Mostly Bs

You are NOT British, and probably also went to LSE. Retire to your grave (12 yards away from Marx’s) in shame.

Mostly Cs

You are a slightly evil conspiracy theorist with possible ties to Ukip. Sounds British to me.

Still confused? Try this.