Hand-wringing feminist gay immigrant ripping off the British people with benefits and plunging house prices, or right-thinking defender of traditional values worried about the badger cull? Sometimes it’s difficult to know where you fit in – especially if you’ve been blindsided by the Daily Mail’s recent revelations about Ralph Miliband. Luckily for you, a handy quiz is here to help you recategorise yourself. All answers based upon evidence from the Mail.
In World War II, did you:
- Fight for Britain because of your love for the motherland.
- Fight for Britain because of your hatred for the Nazis and your devious determination to get fodder for future left-wing books that nobody will read. Your cunning knows no bounds.
- Try to get everyone to forget that you posed for a photo with Hitler.
When in Highgate, do you:
- Relax in your million pound flat – who wants to mix with the riff-raff?
- Visit Highgate Cemetery and its famous grave residents. It’s like a radical fantasy cocktail party in here.
- Desecrate Highgate Cemetery and the remains of its famous residents. You don’t want the zombie apocalypse to be all about communism.
How does this make you feel?
- Disgusted. Have people forgotten how many innocent men and women fighting for capitalism were killed by Karl Marx’s bare hands? Not to mention those of his brother, Ralph Miliband.
- Reflective. Perhaps you will write a book about the socialism and the application of ideology.
Who caused the recession?
- Women and immigrants flooding the workplace.
- Obama, as payback for historical racial oppression.
You wake up feeling slightly under the weather. What is the most likely explanation?
- Cancer. Really, it was inevitable, considering that yesterday you ate food, used your mobile phone, and accidentally sat next to a woman who was breastfeeding (before walking away in disgust.)
- The same cold that the rest of your family are suffering from.
- Ridiculous question. You have never been ill.
Members of Greenpeace: how would you best describe them?
- Apocalyptic eco-zealots. Obviously.
- Members of Greenpeace.
- A fascist boat of middle class people having a little bit of a float around the world.
How many pictures of Margaret Thatcher do you keep in your office?
- The same amount as those of your partner and family – but in more prominent a position.
- Just the one, in the centre of the dartboard.
- I don’t need any when The Lady comprises the permanent wallpaper of my mind.
When you were 17, you were...
- Joining the Combined Cadet Force and practicing the national anthem. Nationalism is key to a healthy teenage mind.
- Writing diary entries and making plain your distaste for the Establishment. Nationalism is suspect.
- Biding your time.
Do you know what the word ‘traduce’ means?
- No. And I wouldn’t look it up because I’d be wasting time that could be spent doing business.
If you were a superhero, what kind would you be?
- Batman. You have a butler and a penchant for vigilante justice – what could go wrong?
- A working class hero.
- The Green Goblin. What?
Now add up your scores, wannabe Brits!
Congratulations, you are British! Just make sure to defend the honour of others like you, as they’re a dying breed.
You are NOT British, and probably also went to LSE. Retire to your grave (12 yards away from Marx’s) in shame.
You are a slightly evil conspiracy theorist with possible ties to Ukip. Sounds British to me.
Still confused? Try this.