Revealed! Blindness is the cause of Muslim immigration

Telegraph columnist claims immigration was high under Blunkett because “he couldn’t see what was hap

Melanie McDonagh, who once voiced her concerns over Somali mothers having too many children in west London, is back on the mean streets of Kensington -- this time worrying about "the influx of Palestinians, Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Pakistanis, Turks and Somalis to the capital".

"Mass immigration from the Muslim world", she says, has led to "alienation"; and elderly white people are "encountering" anti-Gaza blockade demonstrators just walking distance from Harrods.

It's chilling that this kind of thing could happen in such a nice (and expensive) part of town. One consolation is that "it's something the better-off residents of Kensington usually only see on anti-Israel demonstrations". In other parts of London, "it's society as it is now". Mercy.

I'm glad, though, that someone has finally said the unsayable: disability is at the heart of this immigration problem. The "one reason why much of the influx [of Muslims] took place when David Blunkett was home secretary is" -- of course -- "that he was blind; he couldn't actually see what was happening".

Ha ha. Blind people are funny because they can't see. Another gem from the Telegraph.

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Yo Zushi is a sub-editor of the New Statesman. His work as a musician is released by Eidola Records.

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An alternative Trainspotting script for John Humphrys’ Radio 4 “Choose Life” tribute

Born chippy.

Your mole often has Radio 4’s Today programme babbling away comfortingly in the background while emerging blinking from the burrow. So imagine its horror this morning, when the BBC decided to sully this listening experience with John Humphrys doing the “Choose Life” monologue from Trainspotting.

“I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you’ve got Radio 4?” he concluded, as a nation cringed.

Introduced as someone who has “taken issue with modernity”, Humphrys launched into the film character Renton’s iconic rant against the banality of modern life.

But Humphrys’ role as in-studio curmudgeon is neither endearing nor amusing to this mole. Often tasked with stories about modern technology and digital culture by supposedly mischievous editors, Humphrys sounds increasingly cranky and ill-informed. It doesn’t exactly make for enlightening interviews. So your mole has tampered with the script. Here’s what he should have said:

“Choose life. Choose a job and then never retire, ever. Choose a career defined by growling and scoffing. Choose crashing the pips three mornings out of five. Choose a fucking long contract. Choose interrupting your co-hosts, politicians, religious leaders and children. Choose sitting across the desk from Justin Webb at 7.20 wondering what you’re doing with your life. Choose confusion about why Thought for the Day is still a thing. Choose hogging political interviews. Choose anxiety about whether Jim Naughtie’s departure means there’s dwindling demand for grouchy old men on flagship political radio shows. Choose a staunch commitment to misunderstanding stories about video games and emoji. Choose doing those stories anyway. Choose turning on the radio and wondering why the fuck you aren’t on on a Sunday morning as well. Choose sitting on that black leather chair hosting mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows (Mastermind). Choose going over time at the end of it all, pishing your last few seconds on needlessly combative questions, nothing more than an obstacle to that day’s editors being credited. Choose your future. Choose life . . .”

I'm a mole, innit.