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16 July 2015

Why is it raining dildos in Portland?

Five conspiracy theories behind the Dildo Deluge of 2015.

By Eleanor Margolis

Remember that time it rained jellyfish? Probably not, because it happened well over a century ago. In Bath. But you’ve most likely heard at least one of those stories about weird shit (sometimes literal faeces) falling from the sky. From Brazilian spider rain, to Virginia meat rain, the “it’s raining something bizarre” trope is so well-established that when I just Googled “weird stuff that has…” one of the top autocompletes was “rained”.

In recent weeks, hundreds of dildos have appeared on power lines all over the US city of Portland. No, this isn’t a slightly off-brand Portlandia sketch, this is happening for real. Although it’s been attributed, rather widely, to “pranksters” (think whatever you like, sheeple) we all know that the origin of what history books will call the Dildo Deluge of 2015 may well lie at the heart of US government. Here are my five theories as to why it’s raining dildos in Portland.

The USA is finished

It’s often said that the fall of Rome was heralded by 2,500 copies of Kris Jenner… and All Things Kardashian cascading from the sky like seriously f**king ominous book rain. Thirteen people caught in the downpour were said to be “rendered brain dead” by the falling memoir, over 1,500 years prior to its publication date. Spooky, no? And which modern day empire could very well be said to be on the brink of collapse?

Donald Trump is running for US president. You’ve seen this guy, right? You’ve heard him open his floppy, billionaire gob for words like, “I have a great relationship with the blacks”, to come tumbling out. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could say, “watch this space for more extreme stupidity, America” quite as eloquently as hundreds of dildos raining down on the city where hipsters were invented. Trump is on the warpath, Ku Klux Klan membership is on the rise and Ariana Grande licked a doughnut that didn’t even belong to her. The only thing, perhaps, capable of waking America up is a falling dildo to the head.

The Lesbian Illuminati

Cara Delevingne, Miley Cyrus, Gillian Anderson. They’re all at it. They’ve all discovered that, surprise, surprise, women are way better at sex than men. You’d be forgiven for thinking that the number of famous women who like women has reached an all-time high. But, of course, they’ve always been there. In the shadows. Touching each other’s fannies and whatnot.

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In fact, rumours about Hilary Clinton’s sexuality have been fluttering about for decades. And, far be it from me to make unfounded decisions about a presidential hopeful’s sexual preference… all I’m saying is that the matriarch of the Clinton dynasty may well be the leader of a highly secretive organisation of influential queer women. And where better for such an establishment to set up HQ? Fun, liberal, artisan hummus-drenched Portland. Naturally.

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So, why the dildos? It’s simple. They’re a recruitment tool. Any lesbian worth her salt knows that fake schlongs hanging from power lines are a Sapphic bat signal. The Lesbian Illuminati want you. But only if you can prove yourself by deciphering their dongy enigma code.

Global Warming

Usually, when anything untoward falls out of the sky, freaky weather is to blame. Unprecedented temperatures at a dildo factory, combined with high winds and humidity may well have caused a silicone explosion that’s scattered its produce all over Portland. OK, so here’s the actual science: hot front, cold front, tectonic plates, carbon dioxide, test tubes, Bunsen burner. You do the maths.

Global Cooling

Need I remind everyone that an oncoming “mini ice age” has been predicted (and widely refuted, but let’s not get into that). Basically, see above, but replace all references to heat and warmness with, err, coldness.

The apocalypse

Perhaps it’s not just America that’s reached the end of the line. A plague of dildos. Sounds almost… Biblical, no?

Here’s an extract from the Book of Revelation that you may not have seen, because, oh, I don’t know… the lamestream media and the Elders of Zion have been hiding it from you for millennia?

“I am the Alpha and the Omega… and the F**KING DILDO KING. Eat rubber peen, mortal weaklings.”

“And God did release unto the earth a cleansing rain of fire and dildos. And the angels did piss themselves”.