New Times,
New Thinking.

9 March 2007

Liz Hurley and Marie Antoinette

Advice for Ming the Merciful, thoughts on race and politics and a word in the ear of the party-throw

By Marina Pepper

Dear Marina

Inspired by your letters last week I’ve decided to lead my party from the front. And told them! Is it working?

MC, North East Fife

Leading your party from the front, old boy, is tantamount to herding a flock of cats. Please remind yourself that when they cling onto your face apparently for dear life, it’s more out of fear for the surrounding blue waters than any desire to bask in your anger and passion.

But why even attempt to lead from the front when our party’s record of action and promise of more is mostly down to the hard work of activists practising bottom up community politics in council chambers, village halls and through letter boxes up and down the land?

With the Climate Change bill heading for the recycling basket, emissions targets proving to be hot air and obese children, among other dead weights, threatening to crush the NHS it’s just as bloody well.

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You MPs must get on with your case work and fillibusting while the rest of us get busy with the revolution which will not be televised at prime ministers questions, nor will the film version star Helen Mirren and Hugh Grant. Take That will not be singing the theme tune. But it is going to happen. Because we the people are rising up to make it happen (at least we are in Lewes!).

If you still feel the need to position yourself out front should the blue waters recede in May – and I hope with all my heart they do – just watch you don’t get trampled in the stampede. Miow! Or to chime linguistically with the times: Oh meh!

Dear Marina

I’m not racist, but I’m sick of these white bastards peddling prejudice. What do you think?

BB Birmingham

I don’t like the Tories either, but let’s not duplicate the offense. Not all Tories are white, nor should we call anyone a bastard. It’s rude.

But there is a certain irony sir, in using a slur like “bastard” on a group who just hate that whole born out-of-wedlock lone parent thing. Why else would they want to give tax breaks to couples choosing marriage?

Or did you mean the red bastard who has outdone the blue bastards on racism? The Home Secretary should not use foreigners as a scapegoat for poor governance and failing policies.

It is unacceptable to knock foreigners to nick votes, not only off the blue bastards, but the red white and blue bastards at the BNP as well. It’s racist, it’s evil. It’s wrong. I’m outraged!

Hello! Marina

As my friend Henry says (oh he’s just SOOOOoo marvellous), “It’s not enough to have movie your star boyfriend caught getting a blowjob from a hooker.” Or indeed simply wearing THAT dress, yah?

You have to be famous for actually doing something if you want to cream it from face product endorsements. That’s why it was so important to me to have a TOTALLY fabulous, international jet set, celebrity wedding. But with totally cool real live farm animals as wedding gifts. I just love the whole Hugh Fernley Whittingstal vibe. It’s so now.

But despite no contact with the outside world (I’ve banned EVERYONE from using mobiles) I detect people are laughing at me. What’s their problem, don’t they know class when they see it?


I’m reminded of Marie Antoinette. People starving, a growing desire for change and the sweet princess simply carries on having the maids milk her perfumed sheep and goats at her bijou peasant dwelling built specially in the grounds of the palace.

And look what happened to her. Should the revolution gain momentum, dare I say it, your ilk may well be the first up against the wall. Good bye!

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