Dirty War
Questions set by Paul Moorcraft, editor of Defence Review
1 If al-Qaeda uses chemical and biological weapons near you, should you?
a Write to your MP b Breathe through your nose c Sell shares in Group 4 Security d Put a wet handkerchief over your nose e Take shallow breaths and leave the scene quickly
2 Who or what is the biggest threat to the London Underground?
a Bob Crow b Sarin gas c Anthrax d Tabun e Osama Bin Laden
3 Which country is alleged to possess stores of the smallpox virus?
a USA b Russia c Iraq d France e North Korea
4 Which country refused to sign the recent protocol on biological weapons?
a USA b Antigua c Israel d Moldova e Syria
5 Saddam Hussein has admitted to murdering his first victim when he was:
a 12 b 17 c 28 d 31 e 46
6 Which book did Saddam write?
a Bonfire of the Vanities b Death on the Nile c River of Babylon d Arabian Nights e Zabibah and the King
7 The British army’s Clansman radio, which will equip the tanks and troops invading Iraq, was designed in the:
a 1960s b 1970s c 1980s d 1990s
8 Who are Saddam’s elite stormtroopers?
a The Young Conservatives b Lifeguards c Home Guards d Republican Guards e Right Guard
9 In the last major British exercise in the Middle East (Oman) what didn’t break down?
a SA-80 Mark 1 rifle b AS 90 self-propelled gun c Challenger tanks d Army boots e Air-conditioning at the HQ where the top brass worked
10 What position elsewhere could tempt Saddam to quit the presidency of Iraq?
a Timeshare of a small cell in The Hague with Slobodan Milosevic b Ownership of a small villa in Tripoli c Large cave next to OBL in Tora Bora mountains d Leadership of the Austrian People’s Party e Angus Deayton’s replacement on HIGNFY
11 What are the initial reactions to mustard gas?
a Vomiting over the Japanese prime minister b Involuntary spillage over an intern’s dress c Swooning over Edwina Currie d Spasms at the sight of John Major’s underwear e Difficulty in breathing
12 Who originally traded VX gas for thermonuclear technology?
a Russia and China b North Korea and Iraq c UK and US d France and Serbia e Andersen Consulting and Enron
13 Who would the Americans want if the monarchy were restored in Iraq?
a Ronald McDonald b King Zog c King Kong d Crown Prince Hassan e Prince Michael II
14 Why won’t Britain’s new Apache helicopter be used against Iraq?
a Its tail rotors may be damaged by firing its own rockets b Shortage of pilots c Lost training time. The private training company didn’t know that it rained a lot more in England than in Arizona d It would add little to the war effort e Biggles will be on leave
15 Which of the following “quotifications” did George Bush Jr utter? (Helpful hint: none are by John Prescott.)
a “It is clear that our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas.” b “It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.” c “We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.” d “What a terrible thing to have lost one’s mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is.” e “Keep good relations with the Grecians.”
16 Which is the most useful combat rule for a British soldier?
a Incoming fire has the right of way
b When in doubt empty your entire magazine c Remember that your weapon was probably made by the lowest bidder (except if it’s British) d Remember that friendly American incoming fire is more lethal than Iraqi fire e No military plan survives contact with the enemy
17 Which is the most useful phrase to know if you are captured by al-Qaeda?
a You keep your gun in marvellous condition, Your Excellency. And I really like very long beards b The blindfold is very comfortable, sir c The people with me are all American and British spies d Don’t worry, where I come from it is quite normal to travel in the boot of a car. Thank you for your generous offer e The way you have mixed the brown water with the delicate green shavings of bread is excellent. Did you get the recipe from Delia?
Dirty Scandals
Questions set by Edwina Currie, former Conservative minister
1 Which celebrated criminal took his captors out to a late lunch – and found himself back inside, pronto?
a Jonathan Aitken b Ronnie Biggs c Robert Downey Jr d Jeffrey Archer
2 Whose luscious girlfriend announced her love for her man by visiting Tony Blair in a scarlet dress cut to her navel?
a Rod Stewart b Sven-Goran Eriksson c Dr Liam Fox d John Bercow
3 Which 6ft 5in former presenter of Style Challenge found his style challenged by a thin blonde Swede?
a Richard Bacon b John Leslie c Chris Evans d Johnny Vaughan
4 Which weirdo daddio dangled his son over a 60ft high balcony and watched his own nose drop off instead?
a Rod Stewart b Jack Straw c Derry Irvine d Michael Jackson
5 “On Clapham Common stands a creature, who he is I do not know . . .” There’s another one every year, but which award-winning journalist recently admitted to spending his time there?
a John Pilger b Christopher Hitchens c Peter Hitchens d Matthew Parris
6 Whose glamorous former wife of 20 years seriously claimed she didn’t know her husband was gay?
a Michael Barrymore b Ron Davies c Pierce Brosnan d Michael Portillo
7 Who famously didn’t dress up in his mistress’s clothes?
a Prince Philip b Paul Burrell c Angus Deayton d Steve Norris
8 Which ageing lipsticked starlet is quitting her latest soap because “they keep changing the lines”?
a Raquel Welch b Barbara Windsor c Joan Collins d Pam St Clement
9 Name one intellectually challenged TV presenter who hasn’t lost their job through scandal this year . . . no, that’s too hard. So, who was the distinguished practitioner who actually believed their antics with prostitutes and cocaine would not be news for you?
a Angus Deayton b Ulrika Jonsson c Jamie Theakston d Rolf Harris
10 Who said, “Oh, no, John, no, John, no . . .” – eventually? a Yoko Ono b Edwina Currie c Pauline Prescott d Norma Major
Dirty Money
Questions set by Patrick Hosking, NS business columnist
1 John Mayo, the former finance director of Marconi and the chief architect of its catastrophic strategy shift, is now:
a Touring the country to say sorry to the thousands of employees who lost their jobs b Touring the country to say sorry to the shareholders who lost £33bn c Touring the country to promote his book, Right But Misunderstood d Suing what’s left of the company for his full £1.6m pension entitlement to add to his £1m severance package
2 Which piece of office equipment led to the downfall of the Arthur Andersen accounting empire?
a photocopier b answerphone c shredder d executive armchair
3 Which former Conservative cabinet minister wishes he’d never heard of Enron?
a Lord Wakeham b Lord Hurd c Lord Howe d Lord Tebbit
4 Disgraced Tyco International boss Dennis Kozlowski, who stands accused of looting hundreds of millions of dollars from the company, spent how much company money on what?
a $6 on a shower b $60 on a shower gel c $600 on a shower mat
d $6,000 on a shower curtain
5 Kozlowski, who also faces tax evasion charges, gave $4m to whom?
a Harvard Business School, to fund a chair of tax policy b Cambridge University, to fund its chair of boardroom ethics c London Business School, to fund its chair of manufacturing research d Bermuda Technical College, for on-the-beach research into hedonism in tax havens
6 The chairman of Equitable Life, who is trying to minimise the pensions disaster for 400,000 policyholders, is also a media baron. Is he?
a Richard Desmond of Express Newspapers b Charles Allen of Granada c Vanni Treves of Channel 4 d Michael Green of Carlton
7 Who was spanked for £21bn of off-balance sheet accounting and by whom?
a Enron by the US Securities and Exchange Commission b Equitable Life by the Financial Services Authority c Marconi by the London Stock Exchange d Gordon Brown by the National Audit Office
8 Which once respected Scottish institution is up to its neck in a £13bn investment scandal?
a Aberdeen Asset Management b Edinburgh Fund Managers c Scottish Widows d Hamilton Academicals
9 Which millionaire TV cook replied “I want to focus on my salad” to an awkward question on live TV?
a Nigella Lawson, when asked about her relationship with Charles Saatchi b Martha Stewart, when confronted with insider-dealing allegations c Delia Smith, when asked how to boil an egg d Jamie Oliver, when quizzed on Sainsbury’s share price
10 Over the past three years house prices have soared while shares have plunged. Netting it all off, the average Brit is:
a Richer than in 1999 b Poorer than in 1999 c About the same d Very, very confused
Dirty Politics
Questions set by John Kampfner, NS political editor
1 Complete the epithets for these politicians:
a “two . . . Charles Clarke” b “two . . . John Prescott” c “two . . . John Major”
2 With whom, of the French politicians below, has Tony Blair not had a row?
a Jacques Chirac b Lionel Jospin c Francois Mitterrand
3 Who among the Tory pretenders is the odd man out?
a Michael Portillo b Ken Clarke c Michael Heseltine
4 What do the three ministers below have in common?
a Harriet Harman b Mike O’Brien c Alun Michael
5 Which of the three quotes below did Tony Blair not say?
a “A lot of the problems we are having to deal with now are a consequence of our colonial past”
b “Poverty and environmental degradation, if unchecked, spell catastrophe for our world”
c “Africa is a scar on the conscience of the world”
6 Which of the following trade union leaders will still be in their job in a year’s time?
a John Monks b John Edmonds c Bill Morris
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7 Excluding the possibility of war with Iraq, how many times has Tony Blair so far committed British forces into military action overseas?
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a 4 b 3 c 2
8 Who is the odd one out?
a Neil Kinnock b James Callaghan c Tony Blair
9 How far out was Gordon Brown in his borrowing forecasts for 2002/3?
a £0.9bn b £9bn c £90bn
10 What did the late Lynton Charles (obituary, page 50) lie about?
a His age b His university career c His relationship with a Southampton spiritualist
Dirty Environment
Questions set by Geoffrey lean, environment editor of the Independent on Sunday
1 The pro-environment voting record of James Inhofe, the incoming Republican chairman of the US Senate’s environment and public works committee, averaged over the past five years is:
a 49 per cent b 13.4 per cent c 0 per cent
2 When John Prescott gave up his world travels on the environment he accused the newspaper editors who had criticised them of eating:
a their words b oysters c a knuckle sandwich
3 Tony Blair came to the Earth Summit in Rio and said that all that was needed was enough political will to find a solution. What did he do then?
a Engage in negotiations with his fellow leaders b Instruct the British delegation to change its position c Fly straight home, after only a few hours at the summit
4 A new environment threat known as ABC was identified during the year. The initials stand for what?
a Asian Brown Cloud b Anthrax Biological Crisis c All Bush’s Cabinet
5 Official investigations savaged the government’s handling of the foot- and-mouth crisis. Margaret Beckett, Secretary of State for the Environment, had predicted that they would conclude that its efforts had been:
a “determined but ineffective” b “frustrated by the scale of the crisis” c “a howling success”
6 Which of these pressure groups has not been run by a titled old Etonian?
a Friends of the Earth b The Countryside Alliance c Greenpeace
7 According to new Dutch research, PCBs ingested in the womb make boys:
a aggressive b dyslexic c play with tea sets
8 Every hour Britons throw out enough rubbish to fill:
a The Albert Hall b The Royal Opera House c 10 Downing Street
9 Which country douses its land with more pesticides and fertilisers than any other major western nation?
a The United States b Japan c Britain
10 Clare Short called environment pressure groups:
a “heroic and right” b “well-meaning but mistaken” c “nasty and left-wing”