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Technology
13 October 2017

How the 25 greatest stories ever told would be ruined by technology

The Ghost of Christmas Past has absolutely no impact on Ebenezer Scrooge, because Timehop.

Technology makes life easier. Great stories need a conflict. These truths acknowledged everywhere, even in space, mean that most of the world’s classic stories would be ruined with the addition of an iPhone 6.

Here’s how 25 of the world’s greatest tales would be destroyed by dastardly tech.

  1. Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes

Don Quixote checks Google maps and sees that the giants on the horizon are windmills.

  1. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Every day, @great_gatz creates an Instagram Story about his great, great life and religiously checks to see if Daisy has watched it.

  1. Ulysses by James Joyce

Autocorrect.

  1. Harry Potter by JK Rowling

Harry, Hermione, and Ron have a WhatsApp group with Professor Dumbledore, who they can immediately alert when in grave danger. Hedwig is freed from her life of slavery.

  1. Oedipus the King by Sophocles

Oedipus logs into ancestry.com and doesn’t bang his mum.

  1. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

The Bennett sisters Google “George Wickham”.

  1. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë

Jane Googles “Edward Rochester” .

  1. The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien

Cars.

  1. Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

The Friar texts Romeo to tell him about Juliet’s plan. Two blue ticks reveal that Romeo safely got the message. Neither of them die.

  1. The Golden Notebook by Doris Lessing

Anna Wulf opens loads of tabs.

  1. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

Dorian has an ageing, grotesque selfie in his camera roll, but it doesn’t matter because he just adds the dog filter.

  1. Winnie the Pooh by A. A. Milne

Pooh Amazon Primes over some honey and doesn’t cause aggro for any bees.

  1. The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Andersen

Ariel texts Prince Eric to explain the situ with the voice-stealing-sea-witch. Then again, she could’ve also written this on paper. Maybe she’s just dumb.

  1. A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens

The Ghost of Christmas Past has absolutely no impact on Ebenezer Scrooge, because Timehop.

  1. The Tortoise and the Hare by Aesop

The hare gets an Uber to the finish line for £3.44.

  1. The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger

Holden comments “PHONY” under everyone’s profile pic and has a wank on Chatroulette.

  1. Lord of the Flies by William Golding

Piggy calls his mam to pick him up.

  1. Hansel and Gretel by the Brothers Grimm

Hansel and Gretel’s parents make some extra cash by selling stuff on the *~BUY, SELL SWAP BAVARIA~* Facebook page. They don’t abandon their children.  

  1. Charlotte's Web by EB White

It’s a book about a spider that builds an intranet.

  1. Peter Pan by JM Barrie

Peter plays Second Life and @s me to say #notallmen.

  1. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl

Charlie’s grandad LIKES AND SHARES THIS POST TO WIN A GOLDEN TICKET!! and literally nothing happens.

  1. Brokeback Mountain by Annie Proulx

Grindr.

  1. Moby-Dick by Herman Melville

Moby-Dick never ate Ahab’s leg because who hangs around at sea in this day and age?

  1. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

Jo backs up her book on an external hard-drive.

  1. The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe by CS Lewis

Aslan is shot by a dentist and becomes a meme.

Amelia Tait is a technology and digital culture writer at the New Statesman.

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Screenshots of Toffee/Salonee Gadgil
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16 April 2018

What I learned from Toffee – the elitist dating app

I tried out the new dating app for posh people.

A while ago, I was on a first date, via Tinder. Let’s call the fella Joe. He knew I’d grown up in India and had only been living in London a few months. I’m sure before we met he’d made a few assumptions about what that might mean.

Joe and I got on – easy chat, arm touching, the lot. A few drinks in, Joe relaxed and revealed I wasn’t as he’d expected; my English far too good and my pop culture references too familiar for someone who’d grown up so far away.

I did a big ol’ eye roll in my head, while politely explaining that English is my first language and I grew up watching Crystal Maze just like he did.

“But the way you talk,” he said. “I can hardly hear your accent. If anything, you sound posh. Posh, with a hint of curry!”

I stared at him in silence, confused about whether to be amused or offended. Of all the things I wanted to say, this slipped out: “But brown people can’t be posh!”

“Sure you can,” he explained. “You use words like ‘thrice’ and ‘hence forth’, those are things only posh people do.”

I sort of understood his confusion. The outcome of a colonial education was being interpreted as a marker of upper-class status. “Oh, dear Joe,” I thought to myself. “I speak the way posh white folk taught my people to speak. This is imitation Burberry, not the real stuff.”

I never saw Joe again. But he left me curious about the concept of poshness. There are the usual tropes: privately educated, preppy dressing, polo playing types called things like Arabella or Bertram.

But the word posh gets thrown around lot. For someone who hasn’t grown up in England, it’s a bit difficult to understand.


To sign up to Toffee you have to link up your Facebook profile. The author goes by "Bombom" on Facebook. Photo: Salonee Gadgil

The recently launched dating app called Toffee is exclusively for posh people, according to its founder Lydia Davis. Predictably, reactions to the app have been those of ridicule and outrage, with woke Twitter warriors saying it’s another way of reinforcing archaic social stratification most of us want to move away from.

In reaction, some posh people sulked about being the subject of ridicule; they didn’t choose to be called Bertram.

Part of me sympathises.

Curious, I downloaded Toffee. But for Toffee, the fact that I use the word “thrice” isn’t quite posh enough. To be able to use the app you have to have gone to a private school, either in the UK or US.

There are schools in India that may be considered posh, like the Doon School. It’s where the Indian one per cent goes – your Nehrus and Gandhis. There’s a large population of Doon School alumni in England, but I couldn’t find reference to it on the app.

Toffee isn’t for all upper-class people, then; it seems it’s an app for upper-class white English people. This reaffirms what I said to Joe: “Brown people can’t be posh.”


A referral incentive includes a ticket and drink at a polo event. Photo: Salonee Gadgil

Having been single for two years, and done a deep dive into the world of dating apps, I’ve discovered as many types of men in this country as there are varieties of cheese. Sure, the Europeans do cheese better – and perhaps they do men better too – but we’re on the subject of variety not quality.

Personally, I believe one of the joys of using dating apps is the sheer variety of people they introduce you to. You have the chance, if you have an open mind, to extend the limits of your social circle. I should know, I’ve dated an underwater mechanic, the owner of a tech company, a string theorist, a poet, a cop and a trapeze artist. And my life has been richer for it.

I despair at the idea that people are choosing to find love based on how much money their potential partner’s parents spent on their education. But equally, I like the idea that Arabella and Bertram can have their own fenced-off manicured field to play equestrian games in. I imagine they discuss that enlightening gap year they had in India, where they took yoga lessons – the instructions were in impeccable English, would you believe it?!

Me personally, I’d rather run free among those who believe they could find love anywhere, even the circus.

Salonee Gadgil is on the editorial team at Creative Review magazine. She co-hosts a talk series called The Swipe Hype: a modern-day salon held once every quarter in London to discuss the dilemmas of dating in the digital age.

This article was amended on 16 April 2018 to clarify details about the Toffee app.

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