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22 May 2020

Keep “three fridges“ apart at all times – and other utterly arbitrary government measures

Why didn’t they include "1.65 ottomans"?

By Media Mole

Hooray for the government! No 10 is finally answering coronavirus’s most crucial question, for the sake of our collective public health: how long is two metres?

And, thankfully, there’s a really simple way to work it out without the Treasury coughing up for Serco-issued measuring tape or G4S pool noodles for every household!

Here it is:


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To repeat, that’s one “bed” – you know that thing that famously doesn’t come in different sizes. Two “benches”. Duh, benches. There’s only one bench in this life, so just imagine two of that bench. Three “fridges”, which in all of our consciousnesses are imagined as completely uniform items and always come in a trio. No freezer questions allowed. And, of course, four “chairs”, the design of which doesn’t at all wildly vary.

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Because some readers may still be struggling with these furniture and white good guidelines, your mole has come up with a few clarifiers:

2 armoires

1.65 ottomans

2 upturned wooden boarding school trunks, lids removed

17 blenders

1.2 Gutenberg printing presses

4.5 chimoniers

49 Pogs™

A settee

2 simple 17th century handlooms

52 penne, end to end

7 Eighties Mackintosh desktops

One Victorian era mangle, laid gently on its side

6 pouffes

29 garlic crushers, handles open

You’re welcome!