“I cannot believe that Andrea Leadsom was nearly our Prime Minister,” said the Liberal Democrat’s environment spokeswoman Kate Parminter after the secretary of state for environment, food and rural affairs made her speech at the Conservative party conference. Parminter was affronted that Leadsom did not address the news that supermarket meat was infected with MRSA.
But there were quite a few other moments when The Staggers felt strangely thankful towards Theresa May:
1. The shout out to £80 bottled air
None can fault Leadsom’s love for her country, but her pick of rural exports raised some eyebrows:
Our stunning landscapes are famous right across the globe. They’ve inspired paintings, poems and pop songs.
They attract millions of visitors, underpinning a rural tourism industry that is worth more than £30 billion a year.
I hear that tourists are even buying bottled English countryside air for up to £80 a go
There is indeed a business selling air to China, although we hope that our Brexit trade strategy is based on something more solid.
2. The Pokemon Go joke
Leadsom wants to get in with the rural hipsters, judging by her choice of jokes:
We’re both determined to improve mobile phone coverage and to roll out superfast broadband.
I know so well how frustrating it is to search the house just for a single bar of signal when you’re trying to send a text.
Or worse still, if you can’t get on to your Pokemon Go account.
3. The impossible exports
Leadsom wanted the world to know we were open for business:
At the beginning of this year we launched our Great British Food Unit to promote our food and drink worldwide.
We’re selling coffee to Brazil, sparkling wine to France and naan bread to India.
No doubt the Brazilians, French and Indians are having a good laugh too at how Brits snap up their Rio Marmite, French cheddar and Indian whisky…