29 alternative endings to the John Lewis Christmas advert

Because the real ending is rubbish.

NS

Sign Up

Get the New Statesman's Morning Call email.

I’m sure you’ve seen the new John Lewis advert. You’re probably mopping up the tears/bile you’ve spilt about it on social media by now. But for those who have avoided the yearly sentimental ode to capitalism feat. soggy cover version and disruptive beast, here it is:

So what happens is, a little boy develops a rewarding friendship with a figure unfairly shunned by society – the monster under his bed – who is swiftly taken away from him in exchange for a lamp (John Lewis Starry Sky LED Night Light, £15, Product code: 70642203, Out of stock).

This advert is literally telling you to replace human relationships with material things. I mean, OK, it’s for a department store, so that devil’s bargain is obviously how they make their money. But still. There are other ways it might have ended:​

  1. The poorly wrapped present under the tree contains a rotting dead rat from under the bed.
     
  2. Moz the monster is actually Morrissey, to make sad dads cry.
     
  3. Moz the monster is actually a mozzarella ball, oozing into the carpet, as a warning to middle-class parents everywhere this Christmas.
     
  4. The lamp is in stock.
     
  5. This advert is actually for Pro Plus. The boy and monster bounce around to their hearts’ content forevermore.
     
  6. The monster leaves but then lives with a little girl who he has adventures with. Because have you noticed that it’s, pretty, much, always, a male protagonist in these ads? Apart from last year’s when a greedy male dog stole a girl’s trampoline, the one where a girl focuses on an old man the whole time, and when the male snowman gets all the glory and a little girl occasionally glances out of her window at the garden, like some kind of Guildford-based Lady of Shalott.
     
  7. There is a global feminist backlash to the advertisement, complete with the hashtag #yesallmoz. Because too many old grey monsters dominate our media.
     
  8. Peter Hitchens defends the advertisement on Moral Maze.
     
  9. But isn’t keen on the mixed-race couple.
     
  10. The parents throw out the mysterious unmarked package that has suddenly appeared on their property because it’s weird and potentially a security breach.
     
  11. When the boy tears open the present, it contains the monster’s black, fleshy, still-beating heart.
     
  12. When the boy tears open the present, it contains a John Lewis item that isn’t bloody out of stock.
     
  13. When the boy tears open the present, it contains an item that is knowingly undersold. The family gather together all snuggly on the sofa and fill in the form for a price match request. Christmas.
     
  14. The family sits down to Christmas dinner and the turkey is suspiciously enormous with wisps of grey fluff coming off it. They chew on it with crazed abandon. The boy cradles his lamp lovingly.
     
  15. When the boy keeps yawning and falling asleep, a busy-body animated hare hops up to him and gives him the most rubbish Christmas present ever, an alarm clock.
     
  16. This advert is actually for Red Bull. The boy and monster bounce around to their hearts’ content forevermore.
     
  17. The parents wrestle the monster into the washing machine and it comes out white. John Lewis is boycotted over Christmas and eventually apologises for whitewashing.
     
  18. When the boy tears open the present, it’s a doll. The Daily Mail eats itself.
     
  19. This advert is actually for modafinil. The boy and monster bounce around to their hearts’ content forevermore.
     
  20. The lamp is broken, and the boy is upset. Moz comforts him. The boy learns that true happiness comes from friendship, not things.
     
  21. The monster skips downstairs on Christmas morning to find a shoddily but lovingly wrapped present under the tree. It contains a set of keys to the house. He is part of the family. They embrace.
     
  22. The monster skips downstairs on Christmas morning to find a shoddily but lovingly wrapped present under the tree. It contains eviction papers.
     
  23. For once, the soundtrack isn’t a limp cover by an artist whose personal brand is to sell out.
     
  24. The soundtrack is “Pow!” by Lethal Bizzle. Covered by Mumford and Sons.
     
  25. The soundtrack is “Insomnia” by Faithless. Covered by Athlete.
     
  26. When the boy tears open the present, it’s John Lewis Antique Brass Curtain Pole, L150cm x Dia.28mm, £20, Product code: 65571402, More than ten in stock.
     
  27. The soundtrack is “Caught Out There” by Kelis. Covered by James Arthur.
     
  28. The soundtrack is “All The Things She Said” by t.A.T.u. Covered by Pixie Lott.
     
  29. The advert is enjoyed by the vast majority of the public who watch it once and then get on with their lives and the New Statesman stops being so humourless.

I'm a mole, innit.