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11 February 2019

The Daily Mail’s batshit guide to a “non-manrepelling” home

“The bedroom isn’t a good place for books.”

By Media Mole

Some fantastic lifestyle tips courtesy of the Daily Mail today – and they don’t even involve accessorising with a lovely blue passport or checking your migrant cleaner’s teeth.

No, this week, the paper has its own, very Daily Mail take on the Marie Kondo chucking-stuff-out trend – by asking an “interiors therapist” how to stop your home being a “manrepeller”.

Analysing journalist Liz Hoggard’s home, the Mail’s hired expert decided that her extreme décor – including radical elements like “books” and “pictures” and “a cactus” – was scuppering her dating life.

So, ladies, here’s how you stop repelling men from your disgusting, oestrogen-pulsating living quarters:

No books in the bedroom!

Come on, gals, you don’t want to REPEL your gentleman caller with distractions from giving him sexual favours now, do you?

A bedroom should be a “boudoir to welcome a man into. A space where he feels comfortable and confident” – how on earth is he supposed to do this if there are SOME BOOKS on the SIDE?!  You cruel, cold woman.

No books at all!

Well, ones with “gloomy” or “depressing” titles anyway. A woman who reads any book other than Roger Hargreaves’ Mr. Happy is such a DEBBIE DOWNER and will forever repel.

No cactus!

“Too spiky” and “unwelcoming,” much like all men will fear your personality is if they happen to see – and for certain be REPELLED by – your cactus.

No fridge magnets!

There’s no explanation for this one. Perhaps they’ll get in the way of you cooking for your imaginary and yet to be repelled man seven times a week?

No pictures of single women!

Especially “strong, iconic” ones. The idea of women being single and successful enough to be featured as art is absolutely 100 per cent repelling to ALL MEN. And interior therapists.

No Buddhas!

They are a sign of “poverty and isolation” – two traits that men never exploit for their own ends…

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