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20 February 2019

Baby boomers spend more than £10,000 a year on socialising, leisure, buy-to-let property and food, study finds

Research shows that even old people sometimes spend money on things which are not entirely necessary to prevent them from dying in the next 20 minutes.

By Jonn Elledge

The average middle aged Briton wastes more than £10,000 a year on unnecessary self-indulgences like dinner parties, real ale, being a landlord, and food, a study has found.

Consciously infuriating analysis, of the sort that constantly seems to rake over millennials’ finances while entirely ignoring the people who actually created this mess, found that middle-aged people who grew up in a world in which housing was affordable and wages actually rose still managed to spend part of their income on things which, when simplified massively for the sake of a headline, sound like they might be in some way spurious.

The items on which the boomers actively choose to spend the money on, despite their not being strictly necessary to prevent their immediate death from starvation or exposure, include items of furniture, DIY, gardening gloves, sensible estate cars, entirely unsensible sports cars erroneously believed to give the impression of continuing youth and vigour, and scarce property assets of the sort at one time favoured by first-time-buyers.

Other indulgences were found to include Sky Sports subscriptions, over-priced releases of Beatles albums, sound bars, copies of the Daily Mail, Conservative party membership cards, Volvos and cheese.

Timothy Creosote-Feinnes, a spokesperson for IFAs Creosote & Scrooge, who conducted the research, said: “Media portrayals consistently suggests that young people are feckless, while older, wiser people are more sensible with their money. Yet our research has uncovered the fact that the latter generation also spends money on things which are not entirely necessary to prevent them from dying in the next 20 minutes.”

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“Sometimes, indeed, they like to spend money on the exact same things as their children – often from the exact same shops.”

He added: “Some of them even enjoy avocados, although my dad still calls them ‘those slimy green foreign things’, when he’s not banging on about sodding Brexit.”

Baby boomers are the generation born between 1945 and 1964, who experts unanimously agree were singlehandedly responsible for completely and utterly fucking up the world.

This study is obviously not real. But if professional financial advisors aren’t going to take this mess seriously then why should we.