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  1. Politics
11 January 2018

27 questions about Nigel Farage calling for a second referendum

“I’m reaching the point of thinking we should have a second referendum on EU membership.”

By media mole

Troll-master general and seven times failed parliamentary candidate Nigel Farage has just decided that actually, maybe we should have a second referendum on Brexit after all.

“Maybe, just maybe, I’m reaching the point of thinking that we should have a second referendum on EU membership,” he told Channel 5’s The Wright Stuff show. “I think if we had a second referendum on EU membership we would kill it off for a generation.”

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Whether you’re an ardent Brexiteer, have come to terms with the referendum result or are a fully-fledged Remoaner, this intervention is absolutely baffling, and your mole has a lot of questions for Farage.

  1. Why are you still here?
  2. No, seriously, why?
  3. You are just an MEP. An MEP who will soon be out of a job, because of the thing you campaigned for. You are literally a turkey voting for Christmas, and the Christmas you’ve voted for doesn’t even come with presents for other people.
  4. Oh but of course, you’re also a former UK parliamentary candidate. Of seven failed election attempts. That boosts your reputation, certainly. You should be on more stuff.
  5. Seriously, you’re good at this. More producers should book you.
  6. You could probably make a nice little career out of it.
  7. You got what you wanted, now go away.
  8. If you think there should be a second identical referendum, what was the point of the first referendum?
  9. Instead of spending all that money on another vote, could we not just undo the first one?
  10. We know you’re saying this because you’d definitely win again. Won’t someone tell me this isn’t true?!
  11. Have enough people died since the last referendum for that not to be true?
  12. Or will enough people be too angry at having yet another referendum to vote again, to make it not true?
  13. PLEASE MAKE IT NOT BE TRUE.
  14. If Nigel Farage goes on Channel 5’s The Wright Stuff but no one hears him sneer, did it really happen?
  15. Is this just another one of your lies? Tell me it is. Or it’s not. I don’t know what I want anymore.
  16. Who am I?
  17. Who is Nigel Farage?
  18. Is he just a nightmarish construct made up of our haunted collective consciousness?
  19. Is he just a failed parliamentary candidate?
  20. Is he god?
  21. If we have another one, will more headline writers use the satisfying word “neverendum”?
  22. Because that would be a positive.
  23. The only positive.
  24. Unless Remain wins.
  25. What will you do if Remain wins? Call another referendum?
  26. That means more Nigel Farage on our screens.
  27. What is this life?