View all newsletters
Sign up to our newsletters

Support 110 years of independent journalism.

  1. Politics
14 November 2017updated 15 Nov 2017 8:31am

Millennials should give up food to get on housing ladder, says stupid new report

“Young people just need to work harder,” says man who bought his million pound house for £45,000 and thinks he earned every penny.

By Jonn Elledge

Millennials hoping to buy their first home could get a leg up by giving up luxury items such as food, a new report has said. 

Analysis by estate agents Creosote & Scrooge suggests that non-homeowners spend as much as £5,000 per year on the chemical energy required to keep them alive. The average millennial spends more than £3,000 on avocados alone.

“It’s no secret that getting onto the housing ladder is a little tougher than it once was,” said spokes-analyst Sir Digby Creosote-Feinnes. “But ambitious young people can give themselves an advantage over their less aspirational peers by spending less on personal indulgences such as minibreaks, nights out, trips to the supermarket and protein.”

The report suggests that millennials find savings in their weekly budget by spending less money on pre-packaged sandwiches, and instead take a packed lunch. Other cost-cutting strategies proposed include shoplifting, scavenging from bins, being born before the 1980s and gruel.

“Those strivers willing to put in the hours to work hard and evolve the capacity to photosynthesise light directly into energy can reduce the time it takes to save for a deposit by as much as a third,” said Sir Digby.

Select and enter your email address Your weekly guide to the best writing on ideas, politics, books and culture every Saturday. The best way to sign up for The Saturday Read is via saturdayread.substack.com The New Statesman's quick and essential guide to the news and politics of the day. The best way to sign up for Morning Call is via morningcall.substack.com Our Thursday ideas newsletter, delving into philosophy, criticism, and intellectual history. The best way to sign up for The Salvo is via thesalvo.substack.com Stay up to date with NS events, subscription offers & updates. Weekly analysis of the shift to a new economy from the New Statesman's Spotlight on Policy team.
  • Administration / Office
  • Arts and Culture
  • Board Member
  • Business / Corporate Services
  • Client / Customer Services
  • Communications
  • Construction, Works, Engineering
  • Education, Curriculum and Teaching
  • Environment, Conservation and NRM
  • Facility / Grounds Management and Maintenance
  • Finance Management
  • Health - Medical and Nursing Management
  • HR, Training and Organisational Development
  • Information and Communications Technology
  • Information Services, Statistics, Records, Archives
  • Infrastructure Management - Transport, Utilities
  • Legal Officers and Practitioners
  • Librarians and Library Management
  • Management
  • Marketing
  • OH&S, Risk Management
  • Operations Management
  • Planning, Policy, Strategy
  • Printing, Design, Publishing, Web
  • Projects, Programs and Advisors
  • Property, Assets and Fleet Management
  • Public Relations and Media
  • Purchasing and Procurement
  • Quality Management
  • Science and Technical Research and Development
  • Security and Law Enforcement
  • Service Delivery
  • Sport and Recreation
  • Travel, Accommodation, Tourism
  • Wellbeing, Community / Social Services
Visit our privacy Policy for more information about our services, how New Statesman Media Group may use, process and share your personal data, including information on your rights in respect of your personal data and how you can unsubscribe from future marketing communications.
THANK YOU

Millennials hoping to get onto the housing ladder today are faced with a combination of high house prices, record student debt, flat wages and inflation. But today’s report suggests that they can still hope to buy their first home, provided that they are willing to cut out expensive items such as rent. 

“Aspirational millennials who are willing to spend a year living with parents or as non-corporeal beings of pure light can expect to save as much as £7,000,” Sir Digby added. “That should be enough for many to save for their first deposit in as little as a decade.”

The Creosote & Scrooge analysis assumes that first-time buyers have a household salary of £95,000 and are willing to sell the family estate.

(None of the above is real. But remarkably, this one is. Oh God I’m so depressed.)

Content from our partners
Where do we get the money to fix the world's biggest problems? – with ONE
Labour's health reforms can put patients first
Data science can help developers design future-proof infrastructure

Select and enter your email address Your weekly guide to the best writing on ideas, politics, books and culture every Saturday. The best way to sign up for The Saturday Read is via saturdayread.substack.com The New Statesman's quick and essential guide to the news and politics of the day. The best way to sign up for Morning Call is via morningcall.substack.com Our Thursday ideas newsletter, delving into philosophy, criticism, and intellectual history. The best way to sign up for The Salvo is via thesalvo.substack.com Stay up to date with NS events, subscription offers & updates. Weekly analysis of the shift to a new economy from the New Statesman's Spotlight on Policy team.
  • Administration / Office
  • Arts and Culture
  • Board Member
  • Business / Corporate Services
  • Client / Customer Services
  • Communications
  • Construction, Works, Engineering
  • Education, Curriculum and Teaching
  • Environment, Conservation and NRM
  • Facility / Grounds Management and Maintenance
  • Finance Management
  • Health - Medical and Nursing Management
  • HR, Training and Organisational Development
  • Information and Communications Technology
  • Information Services, Statistics, Records, Archives
  • Infrastructure Management - Transport, Utilities
  • Legal Officers and Practitioners
  • Librarians and Library Management
  • Management
  • Marketing
  • OH&S, Risk Management
  • Operations Management
  • Planning, Policy, Strategy
  • Printing, Design, Publishing, Web
  • Projects, Programs and Advisors
  • Property, Assets and Fleet Management
  • Public Relations and Media
  • Purchasing and Procurement
  • Quality Management
  • Science and Technical Research and Development
  • Security and Law Enforcement
  • Service Delivery
  • Sport and Recreation
  • Travel, Accommodation, Tourism
  • Wellbeing, Community / Social Services
Visit our privacy Policy for more information about our services, how New Statesman Media Group may use, process and share your personal data, including information on your rights in respect of your personal data and how you can unsubscribe from future marketing communications.
THANK YOU