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14 November 2017updated 15 Nov 2017 8:31am

Millennials should give up food to get on housing ladder, says stupid new report

“Young people just need to work harder,” says man who bought his million pound house for £45,000 and thinks he earned every penny.

By Jonn Elledge

Millennials hoping to buy their first home could get a leg up by giving up luxury items such as food, a new report has said. 

Analysis by estate agents Creosote & Scrooge suggests that non-homeowners spend as much as £5,000 per year on the chemical energy required to keep them alive. The average millennial spends more than £3,000 on avocados alone.

“It’s no secret that getting onto the housing ladder is a little tougher than it once was,” said spokes-analyst Sir Digby Creosote-Feinnes. “But ambitious young people can give themselves an advantage over their less aspirational peers by spending less on personal indulgences such as minibreaks, nights out, trips to the supermarket and protein.”

The report suggests that millennials find savings in their weekly budget by spending less money on pre-packaged sandwiches, and instead take a packed lunch. Other cost-cutting strategies proposed include shoplifting, scavenging from bins, being born before the 1980s and gruel.

“Those strivers willing to put in the hours to work hard and evolve the capacity to photosynthesise light directly into energy can reduce the time it takes to save for a deposit by as much as a third,” said Sir Digby.

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Millennials hoping to get onto the housing ladder today are faced with a combination of high house prices, record student debt, flat wages and inflation. But today’s report suggests that they can still hope to buy their first home, provided that they are willing to cut out expensive items such as rent. 

“Aspirational millennials who are willing to spend a year living with parents or as non-corporeal beings of pure light can expect to save as much as £7,000,” Sir Digby added. “That should be enough for many to save for their first deposit in as little as a decade.”

The Creosote & Scrooge analysis assumes that first-time buyers have a household salary of £95,000 and are willing to sell the family estate.

(None of the above is real. But remarkably, this one is. Oh God I’m so depressed.)