New Times,
New Thinking.

  1. Election 2024
29 September 2017updated 07 Sep 2021 9:51am

What I’d do if there really were a global Jewish conspiracy

Bigger portions, mainly.

By Eleanor Margolis

I’m in the Ninth Circle of Twitter. The furthest point from the sun, where the only truth is pain, and people who definitely are not in any way racist share their thoughts on the Global Jewish Rothschild Zionist Goldman Sachs conspiracy.

Some guy who writes for the Canary seems to think the British royal family is Jewish. Which is actually quite neat, as I wasn’t aware my people are allowed to play polo. But, certain fringe elements of the Labour Party have me thinking: how great would it be if there was a Jewish conspiracy. I, for one, would be invited to come and run the media, editors would no longer be allowed to turn down my pitches, and I’d be able to move out of London’s Zone 3.

That is to say: if there was a Jewish conspiracy, I’d conspire so hard, so help me G-d. I would insist on, for example…

A ban on all mention of there being a Jewish conspiracy, duh

I’ll refrain from a lame “first rule of Fight Club” variation here, but, come on. Obviously I’d love to be able to go for a nice relaxing stroll on the internet without someone with Lenin’s face as every single one of their social media profile pictures telling me I have some kind of esoteric world-shaping power. Which, in this hypothetical situation, I do. But, you know, I don’t. So get a new hobby, @LeninWasNotAGenocidalShit1917.

Select and enter your email address Your weekly guide to the best writing on ideas, politics, books and culture every Saturday. The best way to sign up for The Saturday Read is via The New Statesman's quick and essential guide to the news and politics of the day. The best way to sign up for Morning Call is via
  • Administration / Office
  • Arts and Culture
  • Board Member
  • Business / Corporate Services
  • Client / Customer Services
  • Communications
  • Construction, Works, Engineering
  • Education, Curriculum and Teaching
  • Environment, Conservation and NRM
  • Facility / Grounds Management and Maintenance
  • Finance Management
  • Health - Medical and Nursing Management
  • HR, Training and Organisational Development
  • Information and Communications Technology
  • Information Services, Statistics, Records, Archives
  • Infrastructure Management - Transport, Utilities
  • Legal Officers and Practitioners
  • Librarians and Library Management
  • Management
  • Marketing
  • OH&S, Risk Management
  • Operations Management
  • Planning, Policy, Strategy
  • Printing, Design, Publishing, Web
  • Projects, Programs and Advisors
  • Property, Assets and Fleet Management
  • Public Relations and Media
  • Purchasing and Procurement
  • Quality Management
  • Science and Technical Research and Development
  • Security and Law Enforcement
  • Service Delivery
  • Sport and Recreation
  • Travel, Accommodation, Tourism
  • Wellbeing, Community / Social Services
Visit our privacy Policy for more information about our services, how Progressive Media Investments may use, process and share your personal data, including information on your rights in respect of your personal data and how you can unsubscribe from future marketing communications.

Bigger portions of food

When, as a kid, I went over to friends’ houses for dinner, I was always startled by the entire meal consisting of about two fish fingers, a single tree of broccoli and the concept of some chips. I usually ended up going home and raiding the fridge.

Growing up in south-west London, I hardly knew any other Jewish kids, and my mum convinced me that the heaving piles of dinner I was used to at home were served in something called “Jewish portions”. I wasn’t sure about small portions being a distinctly WASP-y thing, until I brought it up with a Lebanese friend when I was a teenager, and she said she’d been through exactly the same Anglo Saxon starvation rituals with schoolmates.

So, via the global Jewish conspiracy, I bestow upon you: Jewish portions for all.

Pineapple on pizza to be declared officially “good”

This isn’t even a Jewish thing. But, with my shiny new power as a member of the Jewish conspiracy, I can push my personal agenda, right? So, while on the topic of food (and I could probably make all of my demands food-related, to be honest), almost as much as I’m fed up with Holocaust denial, I’m fed up with the superior attitude of people who think pineapple on pizza is disgusting.

Anti-pineapple lobby: you had a right to your opinion but, frankly, you’ve spunked your entire load of that right on being snobby about the definition of a dish that’s already been bastardised into something unrecognisable from its original form, by the likes of Papa John’s. What I’m saying is: if Papa John’s is allowed to call what it makes “pizza”, then I’m allowed to enjoy fruit on mine without being branded an “antagonist to Italian cuisine”. Or something.

Ken Livingstone has to do an internship at the Jewish Chronicle

Let me make one thing clear though: Ken will be a paid intern. Because, contrary to popular far-left and far-right racist beliefs, that stereotype about Jews being stingy is bullshit. Although, as is the stereotype about us all being rich (again, I obviously wish this were true).

So Ken “making offensive comments about Jews does not make you antisemitic” Livingstone would be paid an extremely normal amount by the JC. Also, my co-Jewish conspirators at the JC, I’m so sorry for inflicting Ken Livingstone on you, but it’s for the greater good. The greater good being that Ken has to spend a month doing coffee runs for Hitler’s best pals, or whatever it is he thinks we are.

Content from our partners
The future of private credit
Peatlands are nature's unsung climate warriors
How the apprenticeship levy helps small businesses to transform their workforce