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23 June 2016

German newspaper BILD to take up tea and give up suncream if Britain votes Remain

Plus: they'll stop making fun of Prince Charles's ears, reserve us some sunloungers and play every Bond villian we want them to.

By Media Mole

There have been some strange promises, and even stranger interventions, in the EU referendum campaign. Experts on both sides have made warnings about the economy, trade agreements and the possibility of longer queues at passport control when you go on holiday. 

But what does the vote mean for our brothers and sisters over in mainland Europe?

Well, if the front page of BILD is anything to go by, there’s just as much strong feeling there as here.

Tweeted last night by editor Tanit Koch, today’s edition of the German newspaper features a series of promises to tempt us to vote Remain – each informed by the German people’s heartfelt sympathy for British idiosyncrasy.

Aside from promising to acknowledge that Wembley goal, BILD also promises to:

– Stop making fun of Prince Charles’s ears

– Wear no suncream on the beach – in “solidarity” with British sunburn

– Go without a goalkeeper at the next penalty shootout, to make it exciting

– Introduce tea time, serving tea from buckets “ballermann” style (ballermann is a style of music, and partying, derived from the slang term for heavy drinking combined with the word “man” – presumably another reference to British holidaymakers)

– Of our free will, play the villian in every James Bond film

– “Tick” with you by putting our clocks back an hour

– Create an EU directive to ban foam from German beer

– Use our towels to reserve sunloungers for you around the hotel pool

– Joachim Löw, the head coach of the German national team, will guard the crown jewels

– All come to the Queen’s 100th birthday

Tempted? Polls are open until 10pm tonight; you can find your local polling station here.