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  1. Politics
7 February 2008updated 27 Sep 2015 2:30am

How to get a head in advertising

Herring's rather radical proposals for dealing with people who work in advertising...

By Richard Herring

I have been slightly astonished by a new advert that has appeared on the tube in the last week for something called Cargiant (I won’t link to their site, for fear that I might encourage anyone to go there). A smug faced man is shown (and in some versions there is a before picture of him looking miserable) and the text reads, “Chris had a long face.

The wife wanted a new family car and this had the potential to blow a huge hole in his finances, not to mention the other plans he had for his money.

A little bird told him to get down to Cargiant where he bought a quality used car that kept the wife more than happy and saved himself a tidy little sum in the process. Just enough for a wicked weekend in Paris…
… with the girlfriend, tweet tweet!”

Now clearly this is an advert which makes light of and actually celebrates marital infidelity. The fact that the punch-bag faced man’s wife is looking for a family car suggests that they also have children and yet here he is trumpeting the fact that he has not only managed to shut up his nagging wife, but has also escaped his family home to spend a weekend away with his mistress, who is so light-headed and vapid that she simply tweets like the little bird that she is.

Of course advertisers aren’t stupid. They are shallow and morally corrupt and if they had any decency would drown themselves in a vat of their own sorry tears (if only they were capable of emoting).

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This advert has been “created” (though to talk of it being created seems like an affront to all art ever produced – to be more accurate it has been farted, and there was some follow through which clung to the underwear and it was then decided to just put those soiled pants up on the Underground walls) because they have worked out that a) it will get up the noses of people like me and thus get written about all over the place, drawing attention to Cargiant and familiarising the public with its previously unknown name and b) that the sentiments and “humour” of the advert will appeal to the target demographic of, I presume, Nuts reading men (I really don’t think they’re too bothered about any potential female car buyers), trapped in loveless marriages who are actually too wimpy and scared and unattractive and unappealing to have a mistress, so can live their lives vicariously through this stupid and unpleasant cock.

In fact probably the men this would appeal to aren’t even married themselves and thus can worship this hero even more because he has gone two better than them and managed to find a pair of women who don’t mind his slimy visage gurning above them as they rut like the syphilitic pigs that they are.

If only he looked slightly ashamed in the picture then we might be able to sympathise with him a little bit – ah poor old Chris, perhaps he married young, before he knew who he was or impregnated his girlfriend and tried to do the decent thing, but he’s met someone and has fallen for on a deep and spiritual level and cannot help himself, though of course he is heartbroken that this means he is betraying his wife and kids.

I still wouldn’t choose such a man to front an advertising campaign, but if he showed just a shred of remorse we could feel sorry for him. But no, the actor (presuming this isn’t a true story, that Chris has willingly and arrogantly put his own face to, being too stupid and vain to realise that this means his wife will find out) has been instructed to pull the most self-satisfied face that has ever been pulled outside of Bono’s mansion.

Maybe you think that the actor should not be held culpable in this disgrace: he was only doing his job and perhaps he had no idea how his image was going to be used. But I don’t think that this should excuse him. We’ve heard people saying “I was only following orders” before and those same people claimed to have no idea what ultimate purpose they were working towards.

If you see “Chris” in the street or on the tube (where you will have photographic evidence to confirm his identity), kick him firmly in the (almost certainly shaved) kiwi fruits. He deserves it. Or better still follow him home and then force him at gunpoint into revealing the identities of the advertisers who employed him, then, after kicking him in the kiwi fruits, go round to their converted lofts and film yourself cutting off their heads and then post the video on the internet as a warning to all the other cynical scum advertisers out there that their pathetic attempts to outrage ordinary people won’t be countenanced any more.

The only downside of this that I can see is that there would be a Hell of a lot of publicity for Cargiant in the aftermath, which might raise profits for the company and thus make the life of the scum that shat out this campaign somehow worthwhile.

The best policy would, of course have been to ignore the adverts completely, as one would ignore the attention seeking antics of an unpleasant child. But it’s too late for that now, as I have fallen into the trap of these grandmotherfluffers and done exactly what they wanted and you now all the name of a company you had probably never heard of before.

So all I can hope to do is create my own advertising campaign then perhaps Cargiant will go out of business and the advertising executives who fronted the campaign will be sacked and, deprived of the income to buy cocaine and wanking machines, will slit their own throats, meaning that we don’t have to dirty our hands with their contagious blood.

Of course, advertisers are cleverer than me and better at advertising things and if that campaign were by some chance to become effective, they would just launch a counter campaign in which Cargiant apologised for any offence that they had caused, realising that they had over-stepped the mark, offer a discount to all mothers and get a whole new wave of publicity out of their pretend contriteness. You can’t win.

Killing everyone who works in advertising (though merely kicking the genitalia of any of the actors involved as they are stupid, like lambs, rather than evil like the werewolves who employ them) is the only option. If you know anyone in advertising, please put them out of their misery. If you work in advertising then please have a cold, hard look at yourself in the mirror and if you have a shred of humanity left inside the zombie hulk that your job has made you, please head butt the mirror, take a large shard of glass and plunge it into where your heart used to be.

If you feel you are letting your clients down by committing suicide then feel free to give them one last burst of publicity by cutting their name into the lizard skin of your face first. And if you have any sense of justice you might want to slice off your kiwi fruits first (yes, even the women, they will have grown balls after a fortnight in the job) and wear them as earrings, which will at least give the other souls burning in Hell with you something to laugh about.

I am not joking.

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