Welfare 23 July 2013 Every opinion piece you're about to read about the royal baby In predictable fashion, anyone with a column to fill in the next week is going to write about the new royal arrival. Rafael Behr saves you the trouble of reading them. Sign UpGet the New Statesman's Morning Call email. Sign-up It was a quiet news week and then a royal princess had a baby. Every columnist and commentator in the land will want a piece of the action. To save you some time, here is every opinion piece to be published in the coming days. A moment of national joy to celebrate. Britain is champion country of the world Patriotism by numbers with a passive aggressive hint that failure to be moved by a royal birth means there is something shrivelled and ugly about your soul. This monarchist carnival proves that we are a Conservative country, which is a good thing David Cameron spoke for us all when he said "congratulations." How dismal life must be for the tiny minority of joyless lefties shivering on the margins of our national identity. This monarchist charade proves that we are a Conservative country, which is a bad thing This is surely how Solzhenitsyn felt. We republicans are internal exiles and dissidents. It just goes to show how class is dead The Middletons are so middle class they even have “middle” in their name. What more proof do you need? It just goes to show how class is alive and kicking Oh Britain! How easily you are seduced into deference and feudalism. This is the spawn of imperialism and don’t forget it Hysterical rant about the evils of the British Establishment Gotcha! Lefties hate babies – how dare Labour call itself compassionate Gleeful denunciation of extreme republicans culminating in call for Ed Miliband to distance himself from a comment someone unconnected to the Labour party may have made on the internet. He will be the Twitter King Getting desperate now. What’s the social media angle? He will not be the Twitter King Oho, you all fell for the social media angle, but really this is a timeless thing that transcends faddish technology. Leave the poor child and its parents alone No-one should write about this anymore, apart from me and this, obviously. › The shocking case of Marte Dalelv shows why we should be boycotting Dubai The Sun's royal boy-baby frontpage. Photograph: Getty Images Rafael Behr is political columnist at the Guardian and former political editor of the New Statesman Subscribe To stay on top of global affairs and enjoy even more international coverage subscribe for just £1 per month!