10 March 2015 An easy way to generate an opinion on the Apple Watch if you need one in a hurry Hurray, it's another shiny new gadget that apparently changes everything, or nothing, depending on who you ask. Gotta catch 'em all. Photo: Getty Images Sign UpGet the New Statesman's Morning Call email. Sign-up It's the technological marvel of the next 15 minutes, but worried you won't have anything worthwhile to say the next time someone points and laughs at your naked wrist? Worry not. Simply string together any of these individual sentences from each topic category to construct a plausible-sounding stance on whether ludicrously expensive watches with crap battery life are A Good Thing or A Bad Thing. Opener 1) "Oh, that Apple iWatch, gold Watch thing? I heard about that, yeah." 2) "[Laugh] Oh yeah, I watched the livestream on my Mac. Jonny's done it again!" 3) "What? Apple has a watch now? What next, a smart shoe?" Function 1) "It's a big weird, isn't it? I mean, the battery won't last a day, so how will it keep the time?" 2) "I can't wait to throw away my Fitbit and track my workouts. Gotta get my pump on, y'know? Gotta get my pump on, with data." 3) "The thing about this thing is that it's annoying, right? A little assistant you can't avoid - at least with my iPhone, I can put it somewhere where the screen won't be flashing at me. Will I have to take this thing off to get some work done?" 4) "Some people might say it's pointless when you've already got a phone - those people are idiots. This is the first generation of true wearable tech. Sure, Android Wear's been out for a year, and it's rubs, but trust Apple to get things right and get people excited." 5) "What next, a smart hat?" Fashion 1) "It looks kinda cool though, to be honest. That gold's pretty tight, and even the cheaper models look OK." 2) "Most of the models look tacky as shit, targeted at wankers with more money than sense." 3) "It is everything I have ever desired, for I am rich, and have no taste to speak of." 4) "They say it's scratch-resistant, but they said that about my phone and [pulls phone out of pocket, it is a symphony of cracks and scratches]." 5) "What next, a smart banana?" Price 1) "It's sad to see Apple - a company that once prided itself on affordability - is now unashamedly chasing the luxury market. Not that it's hurt its revenues, of course." 2) "I saw the cheapest model was going for £299, though, and the most expensive for nearly £14k! How's that going to make smartwatches a widely-adopted form factor? It's like if the original iPhone had cost... oh." 3) "I was thinking of spending some of this pile of monies on drugs and political influence, but I think I might take a day off and get one of these things instead." 4) "I'm more interested in that new Macbook, the one with only one USB port. That thing beats Jobs banning Flash from the iPhone for hubris." 5) "What next, a smart washing machine?" Relevance 1) "The thing that's putting me off it, though, is that I worry it'll be like my tablet - nice for a while, but never something I've felt necessary." 2) "Everyone said that tablets would be a dumb idea - an iPhone that's really big and doesn't make phone calls - but then the first three years of the iPod weren't stellar either. Apple knows people better than they know themselves. They'll want this." 3) "Maybe it's not for me, and maybe it's not for most people, but wearable computers are coming. Maybe I won't get a watch but I'll give in to peer pressure and get something surgically-implanted under my skin in 20 years, who knows." 4) "The thing that worries me is that the Watch feels a little like Google Glass - sure, it has some uses, and it's undeniably 'future-y', but is it ever going to prove indispensible to most people?" 5) "What next, a smart God?" Seriously, though, the price 1) "I mean, that's if people aren't put off the price point." 2) "What do you mean, people wouldn't be able to afford one? It's chicken feed!" 3) "What next, a smart abstract concept of shame?" Ethics 1) "Aren't watches something you pass down through a family, as an heirloom? Who the hell's going to want even a two-year-old one of these? Should we be introducing planned obsolescence into even more products when it isn't necessary?" 2) "Knowing the price of the components, the mark-up on these must be huge - beyond that of the iPhone. The misery in the factories that make these... sheesh, amiright?" 3) "It gives me a warm feeling inside, knowing that Apple is generating so... much... wealth. Look at that wealth. Just look at it. I could cut glass right now." 4) "What next, a smart smart smart smart smart smart smart smart smart?" Conclusion 1) "So yeah, alright, sure. Why not?" 2) "So yeah, no thanks. Not yet, at least." 3) "So no, god no." 4) "So fuck yeah, gimme it now. What do you mean I can't have it yet? But I have money." 5) "What next, a watch that tells the time?" › Jeremy Clarkson suspended from Top Gear after "fracas" Ian Steadman is a staff science and technology writer at the New Statesman. He is on Twitter as @iansteadman. Subscribe For more great writing from our award-winning journalists subscribe for just £1 per month!