So David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, the showrunners on Game of Thrones, have announced their next TV idea: a revisionist piece where slavery never ended in America. The response was… not good. As Ira Madison III wrote for the Daily Beast, “this harebrained idea serves as yet another reminder that the imaginations of white men can be incredibly myopic… this show sounds stupid as hell.” So I and the New Statesman web team came up with our suggestions for TV shows we’d rather watch. Please enjoy.
The Office, except it’s your office, every day, from 9-5, from now until you’re 70.
Blackadder, but it’s just about fucking snakes.
Pingu, but after the icecaps have melted.
A children’s TV show about a time-travelling grammar-obsessed medical pedant called Doctor Whom.
A Series Of Unfortunate Events, but it’s just me, trying to talk to people in various social settings.
The Great British Hake Off: who has the best medium to large seawater fish averaging from 1 to 8 pounds?
Gilmore Girl. Lorelai is dead.
Brooklyn 99. Let’s go buy an ice cream in New York City, baby!
Come Dine With Me. The host only cooks one meal and other contestants fight for it.
The Sorcerer’s Apprentice: Alan Sugar selling broomsticks in Romford market.
Match of the Day, but it’s just about actual wooden matches.
One Tree Hill. It’s just a tree on a hill.
House of Cards. It’s a man building a – ok I think you get where we’re going with this now.
Knife Swap: what happens when gangs trade territories?
Recess: a provincial MP goes home and sorts out his guttering.
Blue Planet: on the ground in the smurf community.
Transparent: Your TV, replaced with glass.
Game of Thrones, without the violence against women.
Friends, but without modern medicine so all the friends die by age 25. Except Ross. Ross lives.
Beep Show: 25 minutes of constant annoying beep sounds.
Rugrats, but it’s just one long tracking shot of a rat-infested rug.
A talking head countdown starring minor British celebrities but instead of the best comedies of the 1970s or whatever they’re just ranking other talking head countdowns starring minor British celebrities.
30 Rocks: seven sweet, sweet hours of unfiltered footage of 30 motionless rocks.
Live footage of the emotional breakdown I’m having while writing this article.
The Good Wife: she’s just super sweet and likes making everyone cookies!
Stranger Things, but it’s about the time that stranger walked towards you and you both moved right and then both moved left to avoid each other and oh my God how is this still happening.
Parks and Recreation: Just a couple o’ pals having fun in the park!
Who Do You Think You Are? Just loads of your ancestors asking you how you even sleep at night.
The Crown: some really graphic childbirth footage playing on repeat.
Downtown Abbey: nuns in inner city Chicago.
Peeky Blinders: a study of neighbourhood curtain twitchers in a Belfast suburb.
DIY: SOS. The emergency services are called every episode!
The Big Bang Theory.