This time last year, gammon uncles up and down the country were most probably struck with minor infarctions when they realised that when they’d voted to leave the EU, they hadn’t voted to leave Eurovision. The musical pan-European Schengen orgy – AKA Gay Christmas – is back tonight. And for the second time since The Uncles voted for Brexit, the UK has actually made it into the final.
Whether or not our European neighbours (and Australia and Israel for some reason) are truly sick of us now, after nearly two years of trade negotiations and post-Brexit MegaBoris burning bridges like a demented arson clown, will become clear if and when our entry receives a resounding nul points.
But, to help you make it through to the voting section of the evening, here are some special Brexit themed Eurovision drinking games.
The Black Death
Last week, UKIP general secretary Paul Oakley likened his own party to the grisly pandemic that killed up to 200 million people in the fourteenth century (which he said was ultimately a good thing). In celebration of this entirely apt simile, combine all dark alcoholic drinks (British stout, Kahlua, dark rum etc.) in a pint glass. Whenever the EU flag pops up on screen, take a sip of Black Death. In the event that the UK leaves the competition with nul points, down it. Down the Black Death. And make sure to drop the empty glass on your foot.
The Gammon Special
Every time you feel that PC may be “going mad” onscreen – the same-sex dancing in the Irish entry, or a contestant having the audacity to sing in their country’s own language rather than English – drink a finger of rosé. Except refer to it as “rose” because that acute accent on the end there is a little bit *does offensive wrist-flappy “gay” motion*.
Phase Two Negotiations
Every time a song by an EU member state is better than the UK one (this is obviously down to personal judgement, but be honest) dramatically open a bin bag and fill it with any foreign alcohol in the vicinity. LEAVE the house for your nearest off licence and buy several two litre bottles of Strongbow, for which you must insist on paying four times the price. Return with the needlessly expensive Strongbow. Sit drinking it alone in a corner. If you’re not patriotic enough to do this, you can opt to “remain in the single market”. This involves all the same steps, except you re-buy all the alcohol you just binned.
We’re All Doomed
For good measure, drink a finger of whatever you like every time any of the following things happen:
- Graham Norton makes a snide comment about someone’s weird taffeta outfit
- A key change
- Any country gives douze points to its immediate neighbour
- During the point allocation, a host wears something completely inexplicable.
- A performance involves those pyrotechnic things that burst out of the floor and go “FFFFFFFFT”
- Someone cries
- An act wears a BDSM version of their national costume
- Brexit is, frankly, an elephant in the room
- You feel proud to be European
- You feel ashamed to be European
- Someone is acrobatically suspended from anything by anything
- Someone in the room complains about Australia being in the contest
Happy Gay Christmas, one and all.
[See also: Ukraine’s 2022 Eurovision song – explained]