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16 February 2017

What actually happened to the characters from Love, Actually?

A sequel is coming - here's my version.

By Stephen Bush

Inspired by the news that there is to be sequel to Love, Actually (Lovier Actualler? 2Loves2Actuallys?) I reveal what some of the characters are up to now. 

Billy Mack and Joe

Legendary rock star Billy Mack (Bill Nighy) died in February 2016. In the afterlife, he and David Bowie ended their long-running feud – triggered after Bowie described Mack’s later work as “money-grabbing and soulless” – and formed a three-piece with the artist formerly known as Prince.

Mack’s death came at an opportune time for his manager, Joe (Gregor Fisher), who was mistakenly caught up in Operation Yewtree, the investigation into historic allegations of child abuse. Joe was the sole inheritor of Mack’s estate, and he now uses the proceeds to campaign for greater regulation of the press.

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David and Natalie

Although the Prime Minister’s popularity soared after his war of words with the American president, it didn’t take long before the sanctions started to bite. What the Sun dubbed “The War of Natalie’s Rear” sent sterling plummeting and food prices through the floor, and following shock defeat in an ultra-safe seat at a by-election, David was forced out by his own party.

Since then, his interventions in British politics have been brief, though he did make an ill-fated re-entry on behalf of the Remain campaign during the European referendum. He was forced to apologise after he suggested that a Leave vote would “do to our economy what I did to my secretary” in an unguarded comment during a televised debate.

Unfortunately, his relationship with Natalie didn’t last. She remained in Downing Street as part of the permanent civil service, where the incoming Prime Minister (Judi Dench) took her under her wing. Natalie (Martine McCutcheon) realised that her relationship with David was fraught with power imbalances. She is now seeking to become a Labour MP, having joined the party to vote for Jeremy Corbyn.

In better news for David, he is now earning a modest six figure salary at BlackRock, the international investment firm, and pursuing a new relationship with his PA (Emily Ratajkowski).

Colin Frissell

Colin (Kriss Marshall) spent the next few years making his way through the singles bars of the United States, before meeting a high-powered aide to Hillary Clinton. His sexual indiscretions would ultimately destroy his career, their marriage, the Clinton campaign and, eventually, Western civilisation.

Jamie and Aurélia

British author Jamie (Colin Firth) won the Booker Prize, but his triumph was marred by a controversial acceptance speech in which he said that modern readers were “sensitive snowflakes who are triggered by anything longer than 140 characters” and said that he planned to “culturally appropriate the hell out of Aurélia (Lúcia Moniz) when I get home”.

As for Aurélia, she has carved out an unlikely career as the author of a series of controversial recipe books, The Portuguese Wife, in which she provides high-calorie recipes interspersed with encouraging women to “lean out” and find their “inner Portuguese helpmeet”.

Daniel and Sam

Thanks to London’s overheated property market, Sam (Thomas Sangster) is still living with his father, Daniel (Liam Neeson). 

Juliet, Peter, and Mark

Juliet (Keira Knightley) and Peter (Chiwetel Ejiofor) have three children: Hugo, Claire and Barack. They have fallen out of touch with Mark (Andrew Lincoln) who now writes regularly for The Spectator online about who “the real racists” are. 

He is still single.