How to live to 120, according to Kim Jong-Il

Regular blood transfusions and five-year-olds doing "adorable" things aimed to help the North Korean dictator become the world's oldest man.

By living to 82, North Korea’s late dictator Kim Jong-Il outlived the average citizen by over 12 years, but his former doctor has revealed that the country’s mad autocrat had been hoping to make it to 120 and had tasked a research team to ensure that he became the world’s longest living man.

So, what were their recommendations for long life? According to Chosun, a South Korean newspaper, the research team decided that ensuring that Kim Jong-Il laughed regularly was essential. "We invited a stage actor to perform a comedy and got five- and six-year-olds to do adorable things,"  his former physician, Kim So-yeon, who defected to the South in the 1992 told Chosun.

Kim Jong-Il reportedly loved foreign films too, amassing a collection of 20,000 movies and professing a love for “Daffy Duck” – so who knows, perhaps a daily dose of Disney was also just what the doctors ordered.

He also received regular drug transfusions from younger men, his food intake was regularly recorded and his longevity research team researched the medicinal properties of 1,750 herbs.

Dr Kim hasn’t been put off by her patient’s failure to live to 120, and blames it to Kim Jong-Il’s “greed” rather than her method. His $700,000 a year cognac bill can't have helped boost his life expectancy. Nor can the fact that, according to his official biography on the North Korean state website, he didn't defecate. Although if you believe that, you believe that he was born under a double rainbow at the precise moment a new star was born.

Dr Kim’s published a book on her longevity research, so you, too, can try out the Kim Jong-Il diet. I’d rather not.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il with South Korean president Roh Moo-Hyun in 2004. Kim Jong-Il's diet was carefully monitored by his longevity team. Photo:Getty.

Sophie McBain is a freelance writer based in Cairo. She was previously an assistant editor at the New Statesman.

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Watch: Lame Bernie brocialists boo mentions of Hillary Clinton as they’d rather have Donald Trump for President

Ardent Bernie Sanders fans unsurprisingly feel privileged enough to denounce the prospect of a Democratic win at the Democratic National Convention.

Some Bernie Sanders supporters at the Democratic National Convention have taken it upon themselves to boo every time Hillary Clinton’s name is mentioned.

Even when the tortoise-man messiah himself was endorsing her for President in a speech, they kicked up a fuss, leading to Sanders’ campaign team sending out texts and emails begging supporters not to protest on the conference floor.

Video: New York Times

Your mole’s particular favourite is the guy in the above video shouting “NO NO NO NO” over and over again, the strangled battle-cry of centuries of loser bros against the disgusting idea of liberal female leadership.

The predominantly white, middle-class, brocialist contingent clearly couldn’t care less whether there is a Democrat in the White House to stick up for the rights of all the people their preferred candidate purports to defend.

Also revealing of their wilful privileged blindness to those who would actually benefit from a Democratic win was the anti-TTIP chanting during a speech by African-American congressman Elijah Cummings promoting racial equality.

If your own intellectual fury about a trade deal that hasn’t even happened yet is more important to you than listening respectfully to a black Democrat addressing the floor about fighting discrimination, then maybe Donald Trump is the man for you after all.

I'm a mole, innit.