International Climate Cookery for Beginners

WDM's Peter Hardstaff continues his <a href="http://www.newstatesman.com/subjects/bali">Bali Confere

Take an incalculable amount of potential human suffering and environmental degradation to form the base. Put to one side for later.

In a large mixing bowl, add one European Union. Whisk thoroughly with a strong dose of impressive posturing but be careful not to over-do it as this may cause the reality to separate from the rhetoric, leaving a sour taste. Add a teaspoonful of arrogance at this point, as this will create extra flavour.

Stir into the bowl one Saudi Arabia making sure to carefully fold in demands to be compensated for lost oil revenues. Many find this technique particularly difficult to comprehend as the outcome can be very hard to swallow.

Then measure out a large quantity of developing countries. Add to the bowl and liberally pour over a history of injustice - a mixture of slavery, colonialism, Cold War political manoeuvring, unfair trade rules and structural adjustment works best. This will need to be worked in deeply and will have a strong yet not overtly detectable influence on the final flavour. Getting this part of the dish right is particularly tricky as it involves balancing the potentially competing ingredients of needing a deal with not wanting to get shafted.

Separately, in a large frying pan, warm some crude oil and then petrify one US administration with fear of losing its dominance as the world’s largest and most powerful economy. Add a massive trade deficit and a splash of special interest business sauce and simmer gently while preparing the remaining ingredients.

Then take 43 small island states. In a medium-sized saucepan, threaten them severely with impending sea level rise causing the loss of land and livelihoods. As the temperature in the pan rises, wait until their demands for radical action grow louder. Then put to one side and ignore.

At this point, lightly grill an Indonesian host government keen to gain international kudos and don’t forget to generously pour on the need to reduce deforestation, secure technology transfer and increase aid for climate adaptation.

Put all the ingredients into a large baking tray and then drizzle with several other nations trying to defend their own economic competitiveness. Finally, season with a large sprinkling of business lobbyists, media, academics and campaigners. Place the tray in your new Bali Supreme® oven and bake at about 30°C for 9 days. Then take the tray out of the oven and add a large dollop of politicians (air-freighted for freshness) and put back in the oven to bake gently for 2 more days. Finally, turn up the heat to maximum for a further 24 hours to create the right conditions for the dish to complete.

Take the finished ‘climate conference deal’ out of the oven. It is best to leave the deal to stand for a couple of days as there is always a large amount of hot air coming off it. Tasting now is not advised as all the ingredients tend to be crowding each other, competing for your attention.

This dish will serve either the whole planet or a small elite in rich countries depending on how well you have prepared it.

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