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Which Harry Potter character is Theresa May? An extremely serious investigation

This 10.52" hornbeam wand with a dragon heartstring core has Theresa May written all over it! 

So. After Theresa May told a small, confused child that she enjoys the Harry Potter books at a school in Birmingham yesterday, the Telegraph’s political correspondent asked her which character from the series she thinks she most resembles. Seemingly unimpressed with the question, the Prime Minister responded, “No, you can’t ask me that. I don’t think I’m similar to any of the characters.” You know what that means, guys. It’s time for another round of: making tenuous comparisons between British politics and Harry Potterrrrrrrrrrrr! Here are the 12 Harry Potter characters Theresa May is most like.

Professor Umbridge

Many commenters scrambled to suggest online that Theresa May shares a striking resemblance with Professor Umbridge. Certainly, it’s the easiest comparison to make: Professor Umbridge ensures a strong and stable leadership through a combination of draconian policies, fear of difference, posh coats and the blood of a pubescent male. At least Umbridge likes cats.

Cornelius Fudge

Come on. Doesn’t Theresa May more closely resemble Cornelius Fudge? Chosen to lead as a compromise between extremes, boring, with a capacity for denial and an insistence on plodding along with a single course despite changing circumstances.

Neville Longbottom In A First Year Potions Class

Theresa May and Neville Longbottom In A First Year Potions Class probably wouldn’t have been firm friends – but that’s not for a lack of things in common! Just like Neville Longbottom In A First Year Potions Class, the Prime Minister is unable to answer simple questions, such as “Which Harry Potter character are you most like?”

Nagini

Ah, the old Giant Malicious Snake Inhabiting The Body of A Human Woman Until It Can Be Cast Aside Come The Time Of Attack routine. Think we haven’t seen that one before, Theresa?

The Hand of Glory

Theresa May has more than the odd thing in common with this severed and preserved human hand! Providing light only to the beholder, it works on the principle that basic necessities needed to navigate one’s environment should be preserved only for oneself. Inspiring!

The Quick Quotes-Quill

This feathered implement just screams Theresa! Taking plain and ordinary facts and whipping them into sensational and inaccurate narratives that bear little resemblance to actual events, this pen has been known to demonise the marginalised and protect the privileged.

The Marauder’s Map

This fusty piece of paper could play Theresa May in the biopic! The Marauder’s Map gets up to all sorts of pranks through constant, invasive surveillance on every person in the Wizarding World – who needs the Snooper’s Charter! We bet the Prime Minister would like nothing more than to take a leaf from its roll of parchment. Mischief managed!

The Durmstrang Ship

Wow, you’ll do a double-take glancing at The Durmstrang Ship! After lurking under the surface for the majority of its journey into the spotlight, this “ghostly” vessel chose the perfect time to finally emerge! Once taking centre stage, it anchored itself steadfastly. And strongly.

Helga Hufflepuff’s Cup

It’s said to possess special powers (though none have been demonstrated) – and it contains a fractured evil soul invisible to the human eye. A real doppelgänger for Mrs May!

The Vanishing Cabinet

You could have sworn that there was something inside this polished facade – but upon closer inspection, you’ll see there’s nothing there at all! Haha. Only joking, Theresa. What potentially lies inside the Vanishing Cabinet is far more exciting – an entrance point allowing sinister forces to infiltrate institutions beloved by the nation!

Victor Krum’s Wand

This 10.52" hornbeam wand with a dragon heartstring core has Theresa May written all over it! One of the last ever designed by Mykew Gregorovitch, it is, as Ollivander notes, “rather thicker than one usually sees” and “quite rigid”.

Pius Thicknesse

I know, right? You’re all like “who the hell is Pius Thicknesse?!” and then BAM! He’s only bloody Minister for Magic! 

Anna Leszkiewicz is a pop culture writer at the New Statesman.

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After a year of chaos, MPs from all parties are trying to stop an extreme Brexit

The Greens are calling for a cross-party commission on Brexit.

One year ago today, I stood on Westminster Bridge as the sun rose over a changed country. By a narrow margin, on an unexpectedly high turnout, a majority of people in Britain had chosen to leave the EU. It wasn’t easy for those of us on the losing side – especially after such scaremongering from the leaders of the Leave campaign – but 23 June 2016 showed the power of a voting opportunity where every vote counted.

A year on from the vote, and the process is in chaos. Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised. The Leave campaign deliberately never spelled out any detailed plan for Brexit, and senior figures fought internal battles over which model they preferred. One minute Britain would be like Norway, then we’d be like Canada – and then we’d be unique. After the vote Theresa May promised us a "Red, White and Blue Brexit" – and then her ministers kept threatening the EU with walking away with no deal at all which, in fairness, would be unique(ly) reckless. 

We now have our future being negotiated by a government who have just had their majority wiped out. More than half of voters opted for progressive parties at the last election – yet the people representing us in Brussels are the right-wing hardliners David Davis, Liam Fox and Boris Johnson.

Despite widespread opposition, the government has steadfastly refused to unilaterally guarantee EU citizens their rights. This week it has shown its disregard for the environment as it published a Queen’s Speech with no specific plans for environmental protection in the Brexit process either. 

Amid such chaos there is, however, a glimmer of hope. MPs from all parties are working together to stop an extreme Brexit. Labour’s position seems to be softening, and it looks likely that the Scottish Parliament will have a say on the final deal too. The Democratic Unionist Party is regressive in many ways, but there’s a good chance that the government relying on it will soften Brexit for Northern Ireland, at least because of the DUP's insistence on keeping the border with Ireland open. My amendments to the Queen’s speech to give full rights to EU nationals and create an Environmental Protection Act have cross-party support.

With such political instability here at home – and a growing sense among the public that people deserve a final say on any deal - it seems that everything is up for grabs. The government has no mandate for pushing ahead with an extreme Brexit. As the democratic reformers Unlock Democracy said in a recent report “The failure of any party to gain a majority in the recent election has made the need for an inclusive, consensus based working even more imperative.” The referendum should have been the start of a democratic process, not the end of one.

That’s why Greens are calling for a cross-party commission on Brexit, in order to ensure that voices from across the political spectrum are heard in the process. And it’s why we continue to push for a ratification referendum on the final deal negotiated by the government - we want the whole country to have the last word on this, not just the 650 MPs elected to the Parliament via an extremely unrepresentative electoral system.

No one predicted what would happen over the last year. From the referendum, to Theresa May’s disastrous leadership and a progressive majority at a general election. And no one knows exactly what will happen next. But what’s clear is that people across this country should be at the centre of the coming debate over our future – it can’t be stitched up behind closed doors by ministers without a mandate.

Caroline Lucas is the MP for Brighton Pavilion.

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