Paramilitary cults, alcoholism and a superhero. Photo: Getty
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Simulection: What happens when you run the 2015 Lib Dem manifesto through a video game?

We are running the parties' manifestos through Democracy 3, an election simulation video game. Here's what happens if the Liberal Democrats win...

Nick Clegg says: “Me, Prime Minister?! You’ve got to be kidding. Or perhaps it just goes to show people don’t like silver bullets, but tough choices. And the Liberal Democrats, the lithely-muscular, iron-sandaled Liberal Democrats, the Liberal Democrats who aren’t afraid to break promises; we’re the tough party.

What will I do as Prime Minister? This time around, we’ll carry out all our promises, get the nation back on its feet. We’ll add a heart and a brain and a liver and a bile duct to our non-existent coalition partner. Protect jobs through free school meals for everyone. Paddy Ashdown will be dispatched simultaneously, instantaneously, momentarily to deal with all warzones, bullies or bastards. We’ll just add the extra zeros on the end of the national debt together to cancel them out. The NHS will be run entirely by angels. Friendly dragons will pare your cuticles with their talons! Lend a hand to the mums and dads of Alarm Clock Britain! Tuition fees will be made of candy floss! Danny Alexander! The yellow bird of freedom will fly anew on the British flag!

Sorry Miriam! I didn’t know I was shouting! God, sorry, I know your work is important. Sorry, sorry. I’ll just run the country more quietly, from the den. Run the country..? Oh, God, I’m in charge. I’m in charge. I’m in..? Oh God, oh God, oh God.

I’d better quickly reiterate a conflict of interest mentioned on the methodology page; once upon a time I worked for the Liberal Democrats. Don’t worry, I’m so bitter and jaded now that erstwhile affection won’t affect my judgement on their policies one way or the other. I’m just here to see if their manifesto commitments work in this simulation.

A more troubling caveat is that I’ve become aware of the foibles of the programme we’re using, which means I’m fairly certain that the Lib Dems are going to hit the same problem as the Tories and Labour did  a global recession. That prior knowledge isn’t much help, as I still have to try to implement the manifesto, but it may make me more cautious as to when I carry out huge projects like electrifying the entire UK rail network or taking Paddy’s favourite stiletto away.

I have to admit that I skim-read the Lib Dem manifesto, as it was twice the length of the Labour or Tory tomes, and there’s a pile of factual books about babycare staring me in the face. Without being glib, that’s not the fiction I want to spend my spare time reading. By that I mean that the Lib Dems themselves have stopped pretending that they are a party of solo government, which was the rhetoric up to 2010.

Now their message is that they’re a centrist party of coalition, like the Free Democratic Party of Germany (a long-running liberal party that failed to make it into parliament at the last election. Not to draw any parallels.) The people who wrote this manifesto never expected that it would be implemented at all; it’s a negotiating point for coalition and never intended for any real world scenario, despite its length. So fiction!

Given that extra length, it’s surprising how similar it is to the two main parties’ manifestos. Maybe the blues and reds just had better editors? The Lib-Dems have the same commitment to balancing the current budget, in their case by 2017, and they want to make debt fall as a percentage of GDP. They’re also committed to borrowing £70bn less than labour and cutting £50bn less than the Tories, raising the personal tax allowance to £12,500.

However they have a lot more detail to all their promises. I can’t really see a coherent central theme to their manifesto  just thousands of independent tweaks so I’ll implement tax measures first, then start spending the tiny amount of money we’ve got spare on whatever of their policies work at the time. The two tax commitments I can see, which are rather vague, are that “the richest pay their fair share and corporations cannot avoid their tax responsibilities”. The rhetoric of the first one implies that a punitive wealth tax seems appropriate; the second I can only simulate by putting up corporate tax rates. I follow that up by limiting debt agency activity, to help the poorest.

Then I focus on policies, y’know, for kids. I increase child benefit because a) the Lib-Dems have committed to extending child care to two-year-olds, and b) because it’s the only way of simulating a rise in the bottom tax band in Democracy 3. I lift a few people out of poverty and feel a bit happier.

It’s worth noting that because we’ve started with the same starting conditions as Labour and Conservatives, we have the same starting problems  alcoholism, an asthma epidemic, homelessness, organised crime, low productivity, technological backwardness, ghettos, street gangs, and vigilante mobs to deal with them. Getting rid of any of these would probably help us win the next election, but they’re all horribly sticky and tend to require tons of spare money – which we don’t have.

In the next six months, I hit education. Using the cash from the tax rises, I increase the main state education budget by £2.5bn, and carry out the commitment to free school meals. I also stomp on creationism that’s crept into the education system and change sex education to make it more explicit. Oddly enough, liberals love me and the religious hate me.

Another dilemma forces me to legalise GM crops  which I later learn is counter to Lib Dem policy. Meanwhile, a man dressed as a superhero is keeping the crime rate down singlehandedly  perhaps it’s the Kinnock-nemesis Captain Beany who’s taken to wearing a suspiciously orange suit. Very unusually, he pops up a couple of times over the term giving the crime rate a solid thumping.

I’ve got a nearly balanced budget now, but I need more cuts to fulfil that big NHS funding commitment. I can’t touch pensions because of the "triple lock" promise the coalition partners both share, so I slash the army budget instead, right down to "purely ceremonial" and hope no one notices. Eventually, they do.

Meanwhile, it’s that time again  the global economy is crashing! Despite running a really solid budget surplus, my credit rating is downgraded. That’s not a big problem, as we’ve done what we promised and balanced the budget. Now we can unbalance it.

We start with a small step, by subsidising bicycles. Our bigger commitments, like doubling the billions already in science funding, might have to wait until the economy’s on a better footing.

One pillar of the Lib Dem manifesto is healthy eating, particularly restricting the marketing of junk food to children. The sim can’t quite do that, but we can tax junk food to high heaven and run a healthy eating campaign, which happens to be another manifesto commitment.

Another aspect of that health policy is more controversial. A minimum unit price for alcohol can be represented by a simple raise in alcohol duty, but it really hits the poor in their pockets hard, undoing the good work of our child welfare improvements earlier. In comparison to alcohol, there isn’t a commitment to legalise cannabis  but there is to effectively decriminalise it, by diverting people caught with personal quantities into treatment or civil penalties. Unfortunately, there’s no way of representing that in the game.

The Lib Dems have a pretty positive international agenda  but they still pander to the immigration moral panic to show that they can play with the big boys. So, while we improve foreign relations at every turn, appointing an internationally-popular UN ambassador for example, we also have to improve border controls, so that only highly-skilled immigrants can get in. I also establish a trade council to give international trade a boost, and jack up our diplomatic service too. When an extradition dilemma pops up  do you want to send this terror suspect to somewhere he’ll be tortured and probably killed? – we keep him in the UK.

Sadly, after a year of surviving the global recession, in one bad quarter my carefully-curated surplus turns into a £30bn deficit. Ugh. At least the global slowdown seems to be slowing its dive, so this should only be temporary. Ish. As soon as it starts to recover, I’ll kick a stimulus package out there. In the meantime, I do a quick reshuffle because my ministers aren’t performing, to make sure I have enough influence to pass policies.

But what policies? The Lib Dems still have hundreds of them, and I don’t know what order to go at them in, or how to implement most of them. It’s starting to feel like the Lib Dems drew their inspiration for their piecemeal policies from this game, so closely do they fit. For example, they want to fundamentally shift prison to being about rehabilitation not punishment  which is, to me, a rational, philosophically coherent position that should be at the heart of governmental criminal policy and that I implement to the full  but it’s buried away between pettifogging commitments to Community Justice Panels, Youth Justice Boards and Women’s Justice Boards.

There’s just over a year left of this parliament, and 44 per cent of the electorate are onside. Apart from a few hundred whackjobs in the "Crusaders of the Lord" paramilitary cult, who seem determined to kill Clegg. The biggest problem, which is causing the other major problems like street gangs and vigilantes, is unemployment. The graphs are stark. Unemployment feeds all alcoholism, homelessness, organised crime, ghettos, street gangs, and vigilante mobs, all of which feed into each other. I’ve really hardly dented them.

Now there’s a £50bn gap in income versus expenditure. I need to find policies that boost the economy pronto as the global economy is carrying on going down six months longer than it did for Labour. What to do? Flood prevention research? Too pricey, not stimulating. Electric cars? I implement them, but Mr Tesla is hardly going to create many jobs in the UK.

Ah, simple things. I implement expensive small business grants and start a telecommuting initiative. I throw a lot of money into road building, train subsidies, and the like (all based on manifesto commitments), and whack up Capital Gains Tax (which I’d forgotten to do at the start). A huge spending stimulus that bumps up GDP over our last six months.

And we cruise to a safe election  partly because 33 per cent of the electorate didn’t turn up. If anything, that was easier than Labour’s victory because the Lib Dems had so many little tweaks that they wanted to do, most of which had a positive effect in the simulation, even though they had similar ringfences to the Tories.

The only people who didn’t end up liking them were capitalists, patriots, the wealthy, and the religious. I can’t really say that they had anything amounting to a coherent agenda except "do what’s cheap, effective and wins votes". Which I’m sure was Reagan’s slogan in ‘81. Maybe we should give that Clegg chap another chance..?

Read our methodology here. Follow the rest of the series as it unfolds here. And here's what happened with the manifestos in the 2010 election.

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The joy of only winning once: why England should be proud of 1966

We feel the glory of that triumphant moment, 50 years ago, all the more because of all the other occasions when we have failed to win.

There’s a phrase in football that I really hate. It used to be “Thirty years of hurt”. Each time the England team crashes out of a major tournament it gets regurgitated with extra years added. Rather predictably, when England lost to Iceland in Euro 2016, it became “Fifty years of hurt”. We’ve never won the European Championship and in 17 attempts to win the World Cup we have only won once. I’m going to tell you why that’s a record to cherish.

I was seven in 1966. Our telly was broken so I had to watch the World Cup final with a neighbour. I sat squeezed on my friend Colin’s settee as his dad cheered on England with phrases like “Sock it to them Bobby”, as old fashioned now as a football rattle. When England took the lead for the second time I remember thinking, what will it feel like, when we English are actually Champions of the World. Not long after I knew. It felt good.

Wembley Stadium, 30 July 1966, was our only ever World Cup win. But let’s imagine what it would be like if, as with our rivals, we’d won it many times? Brazil have been World Champions on five occasions, Germany four, and Italy four. Most England fans would be “over the moon” if they could boast a similarly glorious record. They’re wrong. I believe it’s wonderful that we’ve only triumphed once. We all share that one single powerful memory. Sometimes in life less is definitely more.

Something extraordinary has happened. Few of us are even old enough to remember, but somehow, we all know everything that happened that day. Even if you care little about the beautiful game, I’m going to bet that you can recall as many as five iconic moments from 50 years ago. You will have clearly in your mind the BBC commentator Kenneth Wolstenholme’s famous lines, as Geoff Hurst tore down the pitch to score his hat-trick: “Some people are on the pitch. They think it’s all over. It is now”. And it was. 4 - 2 to England against West Germany. Thirty minutes earlier the Germans had equalised in the dying moments of the second half to take the game to extra time.

More drama we all share: Geoff Hurst’s second goal. Or the goal that wasn’t, as technology has since, I think, conclusively proved. The shot that crashed off the cross bar and did or didn’t cross the line. Of course, even if you weren’t alive at the time, you will know that the linesman, one Tofiq Bakhramov, from Azerbaijan (often incorrectly referred to as “Russian”) could speak not a word of English, signalled it as a goal.

Then there’s the England Captain, the oh-so-young and handsome Bobby Moore. The very embodiment of the era. You can picture him now wiping his muddy hands on his white shorts before he shakes hands with a youthful Queen Elizabeth. Later you see him lifted aloft by his team mates holding the small golden Jules Rimet trophy.

How incredible, how simply marvellous that as a nation we share such golden memories. How sad for the Brazilians and Germans. Their more numerous triumphs are dissipated through the generations. In those countries each generation will remember each victory but not with the intensity with which we English still celebrate 1966. It’s as if sex was best the first time. The first cut is the deepest.

On Colin’s dad’s TV the pictures were black and white and so were the flags. Recently I looked at the full colour Pathe newsreel of the game. It’s the red, white and blue of the Union Jack that dominates. The red cross of Saint George didn’t really come into prominence until the Nineties. The left don’t like flags much, unless they’re “deepest red”. Certainly not the Union Flag. It smacks of imperialism perhaps. In 1966 we didn’t seem to know if we were English or British. Maybe there was, and still is, something admirable and casual about not knowing who we are or what is our proper flag. 

Twelve years later I’m in Cuba at the “World Festival of Youth” – the only occasion I’ve represented my country. It was my chance to march into a stadium under my nation’s flag. Sadly, it never happened as my fellow delegates argued for hours over what, if any, flag we British should walk behind. The delegation leaders – you will have heard of them now, but they were young and unknown then – Peter Mandelson, Trevor Phillips and Charles Clarke, had to find a way out of this impasse. In the end, each delegation walked into the stadium behind their flag, except the British. Poor Mandelson stood alone for hours holding Union Jack, sweltering in the tropical sun. No other country seemed to have a problem with their flag. I guess theirs speak of revolution; ours of colonialism.

On Saturday 30 July BBC Radio 2 will commemorate the 50th anniversary of the 1966 World Cup Final, live from Wembley Arena. Such a celebration is only possible because on 16 occasions we failed to win that trophy. Let’s banish this idea of “Fifty years of hurt” once and for all and embrace the joy of only winning once.

Phil Jones edits the Jeremy Vine Show on BBC Radio 2. On Saturday 30 July the station celebrates the 50th anniversary of the 1966 World Cup Final live from Wembley Arena, telling the story of football’s most famous match, minute by minuteTickets are available from: www.wc66.org